Dude Takes Out Ad For Fake Wife And Baby, Because Even Pretend Dads Have It Easier In The Workplace

dude-buys-fake-family-craigslistA college student believes people with families are unfairly favored with more money and better treatment in the workplace, but he has a brilliant plan to combat that lack of Family Dude Privilege and it absolutely cannot fail: He will hire a fake wife and baby on Craigslist.

This is the plot of a million movies, but I wish this one were a movie too because I would do almost anything to watch this guy’s terrible plan crash and burn around him. According to Jezebel, the man is a college student who returned to school after several years away, and he’s committed himself to furthering his career and getting as much money as possible by … posing with a fake baby on Instagram.

Our friendly neighborhood crazy dude writes:

I have personally witnessed many cases of favoritism towards married employees or employees with children, the idea being that they have more of an incentive to be a devoted worker then others might and are therefore deserving of a better wage regardless of actual performance. The internet has loosely confirmed this. I have even witnessed a hiring manager become furious upon hearing the starting wage of a young man recently hired into a company claiming that “Single people don’t need that much money”, which got me thinking. This is where you and your kids come in.

You might think that you and your baby are supposed to negotiate with hiring managers on this guy’s behalf, or that he will whip your photo out during salary negotiations as part of his explanation about why he needs more money. But his actual plan is to take sweet photos with you and your baby and just seed those over social media so that potential employers will see them and offer him more money out of the blue.

Approximately six months before I formally begin searching for a job, I will post approximately 12-24 photos of my “family” and my “life”, meshed together to create an entirely phony yet truly believable picture of myself. If everything goes as planned, whatever branch of whatever organization that looks into my background pending being hired for my first real job will be inevitably perusing my Facebook page and more and will come to the conclusion that I am deserving of a “Family Man” level of compensation. If the secret gets out that I live alone, have no children, and spend the majority of my disposable income on restoring vintage cars I could find myself in a vastly different income bracket since it will be perceived that I can get by on less- MUCH less. This will not stand. This is how these people think supposedly. It’s so crazy it just might work.

Why did people start saying, “It’s so crazy it just might work,” anyway? Nobody ever says, “This plan is so logical and comprehensive and addresses all situational variables and legal requirements, it just might work.”

But I have seen enough movies to know that this plan can only end with a heartwarming romance between this crazy corporate dude and the big-hearted mom who agrees to let him pretend to be her husband on Facebook.

He’s looking for a woman age 21-30 who has a child that shares his “Aryan ancestry.” Together, the three of you will stage phony picnics and take pictures at children’s museums, for which he will pay you $100 per shoot. The best part of this too crazy to fail plan is that you won’t have to keep it going forever, because the crazy dude is going to delete all the photos as soon as he is hired.

All photographs will be of a fun, family friendly nature and will be immediately deleted once I am formally hired. They will be no longer needed, since that wage bracket will be carried to other establishments in the future and once that wage level has been set, the fact that I drop money on all aluminum racing radiators instead of baby formula will be irrelevant.

This guy doesn’t seem to understand how jobs or coworkers work. He might think he’ll get more money for having a baby on his Facebook page, but the idea that he could then delete everything and the fact that’s he’s single “will be irrelevant” wildly misjudges human nature and workplace culture. But I think most of us are not sociopaths and thus can empathize a bit with this fellow’s future coworkers.

Just imagine: One day your boss brings in a nice looking young guy in a suit. This young man is Greg, who has just joined the company. Greg seems nice and has a Facebook full of photos of him with his wife and baby. You are impressed that Greg just graduated college and already has a wife and baby, but good for Greg. You shake hands.

The next day, Greg’s whole family disappears. One day you get up the nerve to ask Greg how the wife and kids are.

“I deleted them,” Greg says with a smug look. “Now that I have been formally hired and judged to be deserving of ‘Family Man’ compensation, the wife and baby are irrelevant, and thus were no longer needed.”

Now you understand: Greg is crazy.

H/T Jezebel

Photo: Shutterstock

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