Back To School: A Guide To All Of The Friends Your Child Will Make This Year

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Hell isn’t other people. It’s other people’s kids. It’s not that I have anything against kids in general, it’s just that dealing with the children of others is a major challenge. Whenever we have a child that I’m not related to over to our house, I’m often perplexed by them.

Am I allowed to yell at them? Give them food? How pissed will the parents be if I accidentally drop an f bomb and their kid hears it? For years I was pretty much insulated; we rarely had other kids over that were not accompanied by their parents. Once my daughter started school and made a bunch of friends, I was exposed to a whole bunch of little people that weren’t mine, and you likely will too.

1. The Really Quiet One

This kid is usually sweet and well behaved, but you can’t hear a damn thing they say. If they come over, they might murmur something at you. If you ask them to repeat it, they will turn very red and murmur it even more softly.

2. The Really Obnoxious One

You begin to realize that you wasted your time teaching your kid to not suck pretty quickly after meeting obnoxious kid. She doesn’t mind telling you that you’re fat and have bad hair, and has only two volume settings; loud and earsplitting. Their obnoxiousness is incredibly contagious and suddenly your child will start whining a lot and making fart jokes at dinner. Obnoxious Kid’s parents usually ignore Obnoxious Kid’s obnoxiousness, unless they find it hilarious and encourage it instead.

3. The One Whose Name You Can’t Remember

This kid is perfectly nice, but you can’t remember their name for the life of you. You know their name has five “y”s in it but no other vowels, and once you finally remember it you will almost certainly pronounce it wrong.

4. The Rich Kid

This kid has lots of stuff, and wants to know why your kid doesn’t have all of the same stuff. She doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t have six American Girl dolls, and asks your child if your family is poor.

5. Allergies Kid

Poor allergies kid. The only thing they can have at your house is water and celery.

6. The Kid Who Invites Themselves Over

This kid will usually accost you at pick up, demanding to come over. Sometimes their parent stands a few paces back, shrugging helplessly while you crush everyone’s dreams.

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