Childrearing
10 Things That Need To Be Banned STAT To Make All Of Our Parenting Easier
From removing sexy TV channels to virulent anti-marriage equality sentiments, we’re constantly bombarded by stories of parents who want to sanitize the world and make difficult, scary, or unpleasant things illegal in the name of taking a little pressure off of themselves “protecting the children”. But why should they have all the fun? Here are the 10 things I’m launching a campaign to ban post-haste to streamline my parenting efforts.
1. Cheerios
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I have found enough Cheerios to feed an army: stuck inside the pages of board books, clinging to the dog’s fur, crushed into the bumps of Duplo bricks. I’d really enjoy not having to scrape dried cereal out from behind the changing table any more, so my vote in the next election will be going to any party willing to court the anti-Cheerio vote.
2. Game of Thrones
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I could monitor what my kids watch, I could have a frank discussion with them about Naughty Words and Human Sexuality, or I could deprive everyone in the world of the joys of sexy Lannisters and rampaging dragons. In fact, we should probably just ban all TV that contains any risqué or rude content whatsoever, just to be on the safe side. Goodbye, House of Cards, Archer, and anything to do with Gordon Ramsay.
3. Goodie bags at birthday parties
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A reduced sentence is okay for parents who only provide birthday party guests with hard candies that will inevitably wind up stuck to furniture, or Slinkies that will end up horribly tangled around the lamp’s electrical cord. Twenty years to life is what I’m thinking for anyone who sends the little ones home with plastic whistles, buzzers, or those little party-horn things that unwind themselves as well as your sanity when they’re blown into.
4. Fast food
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It’s much, much easier for me to say “no” when the kids whine for McDonald’s if I can follow it up with “because McDonald’s no longer exists”.
5. Furniture with sharp corners or drawers
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Why should I have to take the trouble of figuring out which items in my home are childproof when Target could have already done that for me?
