being a mom

I Went On A 24 Hour Juice Fast And Made My Kids Mac N Cheese And Didn’t Cry Once (Not Really)

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shutterstock_155147969I have a lot of stupid ideas. Bleaching all of my super long hair and dying it lilac. Trying to back out of my garage when the electric door is frozen with what looks like just enough room to get my car out but isn’t. Going on a 24 hour juice fast and cooking my children Annie’s bunny organic Mac N Cheese and almost breaking into tears over the boiling water.

Ok, so the juice fast isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be, or as bad as I whined to my Mommyish co-workers that it was. Maria Guido is the asshole who got me into this nonsense. Claiming she once juice fasted for 21 days and by the end of it she had lost 14 pounds and her skin was DEWY AND GLOWING. I don’t know about you guys, but because of this awful winter my skin basically has the texture of the cheapo paper towels you buy at Walgreens when you realize you are out of paper towels and you grab the ones closest to the checkout lane because you have to rush home and watch Scandal. My face is all dry and flakey. I have gained a mess of weight over the winter due to tator tots covered in cheese and bacon (NO LIE) and the occasional three cupcakes in one sitting, and I just feel sort of blah. Plus, I have been drinking more tequila than water.

I caved and bought the juicer everyone buys on Amazon and experimented making my own juices, but quickly learned that in order to make a decent green juice that doesn’t taste like lawnmower clippings and snail tears that you have to add a mess of yummy yummy fruit to it, which sort of defeats the whole purpose of juice cleansing. Heathy juices are sad juices. The juices I was making had basically the caloric equivalent of a Big Mac. Sure, I was making them with organic kale and celery and cucumbers but then I was adding enough fruit to make them taste like a Pop Tart. I was getting my vegetables, but I was also getting a giant dose of sugar.

I decided I wanted to be more hardcore for just a small frame of time to see what the big whoop is. So I spent a whole mess of my grocery money ordering a 24 juice cleanse from Williams Sonoma. My Life Juice cleanse cost me 65 dollahs, and you can double that because I purchased one for my husband as well so I didn’t have to suffer alone.

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There goes all of our FUN money for the month, which means there will be no movies with delicious popcorn covered in fake butter or like, laundry detergent. Because I don’t know how to read I blindly purchased the juices not fully realizing I would have to drink SEVEN in one day, and that those yummy looking red juices aren’t yummy because they are made with pomegranate juice or blood orange juice or red apples, they are like that because they are made with healthy shit like beets and red cabbage.

The first “juice” you drink isn’t technically a juice, it is a water made with water, lemons and pink Himalayan sea salt. Sounds sexy right? Sounds nice and sexy and healthy and cleansing. This water tasted vaguely reminiscent of Visine when you accidentally put too much into your eyes and it drips onto your lips and you instinctively lick them.

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