10 Lies Every Parent Tells Their Child

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(Photo: Shutterstock)

Lies. We all tell them and dammit if our kids don’t believe them. Whether it’s to get them to tow the line, or just to mess with em’, lying is a parenting must and we ALL do it, to a certain degree. Below are 10 lies that ever parent tells their child. Don’t bullshit me, you know you do it.

10. “Later”

talk to the hand

“Later” is my all time favorite parent-lie. “Can I have an ice pop, mom?” Hmm…”Later.” “Can I watch TV?” Hmm. “LATER.” Here’s the big secret…later never comes.

9. The Boogeyman


Ah, the boogeyman. This is a classic parent lie to enforce basically any and everything. You kid is having a tantrum? The boogeyman is coming. Your child stole a pack of gum from the mini mart? The boogeyman is going to get his vengeance. The boogeyman knows all and sees all. How is this not illegal for us? Who cares?

8. Santa Claus/Tooth Fairly/Easter Bunny

bad santa

This one depends on your culture or beliefs, but basically every one has a similar one, and boy are these useful. Why?…

7. Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny Is NOT Coming

bad santa

When your kid acts up, you can always pull out the always-useful “Santa’s not coming” spiel. Kids know you’re full of shit, but in the back of their heads they still think “what if…”

6. Someone Will Steal You

kidnapping old fashioned

We know this is crap, but what better to keep your kids in line (and in your line of sight) than the old “someone is going to snatch you” line? This frees us up for all that “eating bon-bons and watching Oprah” that MRA douche bags seem to think we do, amirite?

5. Wait 30 Minutes To Swim After Eating


Similar to the “someone will steal you,” this old staple is great for lazy moms who don’t want to deal with the ever-present pool drowning fear. Dammit kids, let us tan in peace for a few minutes!

4. “Big Needle”


I don’t know how common this is, but when I was a kid and I was being a drama queen, my dad would threaten to take me to the doctor. If I was “sick” the doctor would have to give me a “big needle.” That made me suck it right the fuck up. How I don’t have sky high therapy bills I don’t know.

3. Your Face Will Freeze That Wayu

funny faces

This is basically an embarrassment get out of jail free card.

2. The Police

fuck the police

“If you don’t stop, the police will come!” Is this just me?

1. Baby Jail

Arrested Development jail

My mom created this, so I know it’s not what every parent does, but let me tell you…it WORKS. We were so scared of baby jail that we would hide in the toy box when the trash man would come. I still wet my pants when the garbage truck comes around.

(Photo:Blaj Gabriel/Shutterstock)