Keep Calm & Carry On: Why Silence Is My Best Weapon Against Tantrums

Thankfully, my four-year-old is quickly outgrowing the parenting nightmare that are temper tantrums. The more articulate she becomes at communicating her feelings and opinions, the less I have to deal with all that screaming hysteria. It is honestly a really great feeling to know that I’ll soon have those emotional fits behind me.

But even though she’s growing up quickly, a four-year-old is still a child. Children of every age can have a difficult time coping with emotions, especially negative ones. Sometimes, that frustration and anger can lead to a meltdown. No matter how well-behaved a child is, there’s always the possibility that they’ll fall victim to a meltdown.

It may have taken me a couple of years, but I’ve finally found the best way to deal with my child’s temper tantrums, should they rear their intensely ugly head. I’m not saying that this approach would work for anyone else. We all know that each little one is different and they all require their own technique when it comes to calming down and regaining control. That being said, my daughter and I had a little showdown that proved to me just how important it was to keep my composure when she started spiraling into tantrum territory.

It was bedtime. Of course it was bedtime. My daughter decided that she wanted to take lemonade to drink with her. We don’t let her have anything but a small cup of water on her bedside table, but she was just convinced that she needed lemonade. “Sorry love,” I told her when I didn’t realize what a big deal this would become, “Lemonade has sugar. That could make your stomach feel jittery if you have it before bed. Not to mention that sugar at bedtime hurts your teeth.” I walked into the kitchen and got her glass of water like I always do.

Not realizing the dangerous situation before me, I handed my daughter her cup of water. She looked down at it and I could see her little brows scrunch up. I was suddenly realizing the trouble I was in for when she threw the cup back at me and yelled, “I said I wanted lemonade! I told you what I wanted! I don’t want water!”

(Photo: deepblue-photographer/Shutterstock)

Now, there was a time when my first response would have been to lay down the law. I think it’s natural for a parent to get a little angry when their child throws a glass of liquid at them. I would consider that a reasonable response. Except after years with my daughter, I know that asserting dominance is like a big competition to her. The louder my voice gets, the louder her voice gets. The sharper my words, the sharper her words. When my daughter wants to show how strong and in charge she is, she speaks loudly and forcefully, yelling things like, “I told you what I wanted,” and “You’ll never be in charge of me again!”

And really, every fiber of my being wants to look at her and demand, “I am in charge and you will listen to me.” It takes all my self-control to sit down quietly on her bed and say that I’m very disappointed in her behavior.

I don’t say much else. I don’t argue with her. I sit and let her yell or growl even. I wait as she sorts through her emotions and begins to come down off of her anger-induced high. I’ve told her many times now, “Yelling the loudest doesn’t make you the strongest.” I think in a couple more years she’ll believe me.

I don’t ignore my daughter’s tantrums, though I know that it’s a tactic that works for many parents. I just sit quietly through them, watching her and letting her know that I don’t approve of screaming or hitting. In this particular case, I waited until she was done and then I explained again why we don’t have lemonade at bedtime. I asked her to clean up the mess she had made while I got her another glass of water. Then we climbed into bed for bedtime stories like any other night.

Being a mother has taught me more about controlling my emotions than any other experience in my life. It’s not easy to sit silently while your little girl tells you that she won’t ever love you ever again. In those moments I want to pick up her and tell her that she has absolutely no choice, she’s stuck with me and she’ll just have to love me. I want to hold her still in my arms when she’s raging and working through her frustration. But sitting still and listening is the best tool I have.

I can only hope that one day she’s going to vehemently disagree with me about something and she’ll sit down very calmly and say, “Mom, I’m really disappointed that you feel that way.”

(Photo: gbphoto21/Shutterstock)