Childrearing

As Long As I Don’t Raise This Douche, I Will Have Succeeded As A Mother

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Screen Shot 2014-03-31 at 2.47.41 PMWhen I think about raising my children, rarely do I ponder what they could possibly do to disappoint me. No parent likes to project that type of negativity, right? I am confident my son will grow up to be as amazing as his father. But, if there were a caricature I could point to and say, “This is it. I definitely don’t want my child turning into this” it would be this 23-year-old guy on a random Jersey Shore audition tape that one of our readers sent us today.

Hi these are my abs. I like abs. First, I work security, which is my occupation, but that’s like a side job – you know what I mean? My real job – which is most important more than anything – is getting ready for the summer.

His real job isn’t the one that pays his bills! That would be silly. It’s the all the tanning and working out he does in preparation for summer on the Jersey Shore. Duh!

I shave my chest and abs at least twice a week.

I don’t think anyone really needs that information.

It’s about getting the most bitches. Looking the best. Having the best abs.

Abs and bitches. That’s what it’s about.

Girls love me. I love bitches. Fuck – I said “bitches.” Alright, I had to stop the tape because I said, “bitches.” (Insert indecipherable explanation about why he likes saying “bitches” here).

If a raise a child that refers to girls as “bitches,” I will be supremely upset. If I raise a child who not only calls girls “bitches,” but is too stupid to know he shouldn’t on camera – I will be devastated.

My whole life revolves around going out and getting a girl. That’s all I care about. Fuck everything else, life is not important unless you’re getting pussy.

Welp, everyone needs goals.

I don’t come off cocky when I talk to girls. I come off goofy and funny… I get girls here at least three times a week. I get mad fuckin’ pussy.

Translation: I have no idea who the real me is, I just know that it’s definitely not what I portray to the bitches I’m trying to get into my bed.  Also, “pussy” is the only word that rivals “bitches” as a favorite.

It’s not about going to college, it’s not about making something of yourself, it’s about living your life… the only thing I pursue is females.

This just makes me sad. His basement bedroom that’s clearly in his parents’ house with the fuzzy leopard bedspread and the posters on the wall – oh, the humanity.

I was in the Air Force. I am an Air Force vet. I’m done with that. Now I’m an active fucking booty call.

Your country is proud of you.

I’m not going to fuck one girl all summer. I’m going to fuck a girl every week.

So, your life revolves around shaving and tanning your perfectly-toned abs so you can lie to women enough to hopefully trick them into coming back to your parents’ house? Thanks. I’m bookmarking this and using it as a teachable moment for my future teenagers; son – don’t be this. Daughter – avoid this type of person at all costs.

[vimeo video=”11221298″]

(photo: Vimeo)