Tabloid Sad Sack Jennifer Aniston Is Engaged, Prepare For The Pregnancy Rumors To Go Into Overdrive

By  | 

Jennifer AnistonJennifer Aniston, the actress who tabloids often show no restraint in feeling sorry for, is reportedly engaged. Way to trump those Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weekend wedding rumors, Jen! The perpetually single sad sack, as the rag mags would have us believe, is walking down the aisle to meet boyfriend Justin Theroux. The Friday engagement, which was also Theroux’s 41st birthday, was confirmed by both parties. And if you thought Jennifer’s many rumored pregnancies had reached nauseating heights in prior years, I’m going to go ahead and guess that they’re about to get even more explosive.

Following confirmation of Jennifer’s engagement, CNN waits exactly one line before reminding us that she was once married to Brad Pitt — as if anyone could forget. Talk about the breakup that won’t end. They also make sure to cite her many other boyfriends, patronizingly writing that “Her quest ended Friday, when she got engaged to Theroux.” Her quest? Like she’s a wayward lady warrior trucking away on the arduous path to matrimony? Hardly. Despite Jennifer’s nearly decade-long insistence that she is no hurry to marry or have a family, the Jennifer Aniston Bridal Watch narrative just won’t die. And now with a sparkly ring on her finger, tabloids can finally clink glasses that the 43-year-old spinster got it together and landed a man.

Now that the engagement is confirmed, as opposed to mere tabloid speculation, that traditional narrative for a seemingly nontraditional lady is just going to keep going. Those pregnancy covers will sell more issues than ever before, paired with even more zoomed in photographs of flowy blouses and “baby bumps” and pregnancy cravings. Jennifer may be looking to celebrate her engagement in the coming months, but all the press will be fixated on is her uterus.

(photo: FayesVision/ Lindsay Cross)