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‘Is My Penis Still There? Good’ And Other Thoughts From A Two-Year-Old

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I spend my days writing about motherhood and, of course, reading about other women’s experiences. The best is feeling validated when it comes to, say, paying a babysitter to watch your kids so that you can work (never mind that you make less money than the sitter). Or even, I don’t know, choosing sleep over sex. It’s always from the women’s perspective, though, and I often wonder what’s going on inside the elusive daddy brain.

This website by New Jersey writer, comedian and father Jason Good gives us a glimpse into what guys think not just about fatherhood also about their neurotic wives. And, I kid you not, it is laugh-out-loud funny. In fact, Jason Good is my new crush. Here’s a sample of Good’s musings pulled from his 365 BLOG:

Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head of My 2 Year Old

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.
  1. I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
  2. I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
  3. GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
  4. I wanna open and close the thermostat.
  5. I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
  6. Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
  7. I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
  8. I wanna pick up the cat by it’s head.
  9. I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
  10. HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
  11. CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
  12. I HATE FRUIT.
  13. I want out of my chair.
  14. I wanna play with the iPad.
  15. I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
  16. I wanna take my pants off.
  17. I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
  18. I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
  19. I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
  20. I’m thirsty.
  21. No, not for that.
  22. Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
  23. Where’s Daddy?
  24. Where’s the cat?
  25. Where’s Mommy?.
  26. SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
  27. Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
  28. Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone
  29. Hungry again. Never mind
  30. I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
  31. STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
  32. Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
  33. Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
  34. WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
  35. Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
  36. Im tired.
  37. IM NOT TIRED!
  38. I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
  39. No, not inside either!
  40. I need to push some buttons right now.
  41. I hate this diaper.
  42. My eyes itch.
  43. WOW! Is this my toe?
  44. STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
  45. I hate these pants.
  46. This shirt itches.
  47. I’m tired.
  48. Stop asking me if I’m tired.
  49. Where’s that toy that goes beep.
  50. I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
  51. Put on my favorite song.
  52. Where’s the cat?
  53. What is UP with my shirt?
  54. Did I just hear a dog bark?
  55. YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
  56. I wanna see a dog.
  57. No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
  58. Is my penis still there? Good.
  59. I peed.
  60. I’m bored.

Funny stuff. But even better is Good’s more recent post called “3 Hours Inside My Wife’s Brain,” which includes such thoughts as:

“Someone stole my keys. Never mind, here they are.”

“Silas woke up crying at 10pm. I have to call Jason because he’s in the city and there’s nothing he can do about it, but I still want him to know it happened.”

“I need to clean out the corner of my eye with my pinky nail.”

“I think I could have been The Bachelorette.”

Check it out for a good laugh!

(Photo: Stockbyte)