being a mom

I’m Not Going To Shove Silicone In My Bra To Be A Hot Mom

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The MILFs are at it again, giving us advice on how to be a “glam” mom versus a “glum” mom in what I consider to be a personal attack on the Frumpy Mom Revolution. Jenny Isenman writes for the Huffington Post all about how we can protect ourselves from falling into the “mom trap.”  She even has a handy list of products we can use that will transform us from glum to glam, including these pieces of silicone that we can shove into our bras to “enhance our boobs.” I’m sorry, but the only thing that belongs in my bra at present besides my breasts are pumpkin pie crumbs.

How many moms are stuck in the “Mom Uniform” rut: Grabbing the first pair of comfy sweats/jeans, throwing on a quickie tank/sweater, tying your hair in a pony tail, slapping on a little gloss and darting out the door?

The answer: Too many.

My answer? Not Enough. There is nothing wrong with having a mom uniform. There is nothing wrong with being focused more on things in your life other than your MILF-ability, at certain periods in your life. If you don’t wanna shove plastic shit in your bra to make you breasts appear “perky” or use clip on hair extensions, I don’t blame you.

EVERY celeb has these, whether it’s a clip-on set of bangs, some strips of color, a braid to accentuate their whimsical side or extra mane for length or volume. I loooove the clip-ins because they don’t damage your hair and they’re shockingly easy to do! I recommend the virgin human hair. I got mine at Aztig, Sheila (the owner) specializes in extensions. She can ship them to be matched and cut by your stylist of she can do a color match for you with photographs.

I almost feel like doing this just so I can really freak my husband out. Between discovering I have plastic shit in my bra and running his fingers through my hair to discover plastic clips holding my fake hair in place I’m pretty positive hilarity would ensue. I actually thought the Huffington Post article was a joke, Jenny Isenman is a humor writer, but after seeing the video that goes along with it I can only determine that these women are amazingly sincere at wanting to increase their glam quotient .

I’m not above falling madly in love with beauty and cosmetic products. The salesgirls at my local Sephora could tell you that. But as a super busy mother of three I tend to use products that make my life easier or make me feel better physically, or else that smell really good like every single thing Philosophy makes ever. But I buy these things not so I can be a MILF, but because I’m buying them for me. I love beauty and cosmetic products, but to me there is nothing that sounds fun about sticking plastic shit in my bra. I’d much rather buy new nail polish. And not because I think it will help me be a MILF, but because I like nail polish, especially the glitter kind. And so does my eight-year-old, so we can bond over mommy/daughter disco manicure time.

I think we need to add another bylaw to the Frumpy Mom Revolution: Thou shalt only purchase products that make us feel cozier, happier, or better about ourselves, not because we feel the need to be a MILF for the world. I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress up to make yourself feel better or buy sexy lingerie if you want to thrill your partner, but you should be doing it if the end result makes you happy, not because you feel the need to be a MILF to anyone but you. Be your own MILF. And yes, I totally just told you to eff yourselves.

Breast “cutlets” belong in delicious meals that you cook, not in your bra.

(photo: Karramba Production/shutterstock)