Iâ€™m Losing My Mind While Sleep Training My AP Toddler
I never, ever thought I would be hereâ€”hating both bed sharing and nursing. I hated them both at that moment. I found myself thinking tomorrow I would force-wean her and lock her in a room in a crib and let her cry until she canâ€™t cry anymore. I am not a good person on zero hours of sleep with nipples that feel like theyâ€™re hanging on by single tendons.
So roundabouts 3:00 a.m., I found myself musing on attachment parenting. I wondered why it meant so much to me. I realized I have always been the type to martyr myself for the good of someone else, even for other people who really didnâ€™t fucking deserve it (read: ex-boyfriends). I should have known that if I would do extreme, stupid things for people who didnâ€™t deserve it, that I should have been really, really cautious about what crazy shit I might try for my own childâ€™s well-being.
I wondered if I was just being impatient. I knew sleep training wouldnâ€™t be an instant thing, but I feel irresponsible for waiting until my sanity was whittled away to a hairâ€™s breadth to start this process. Oh, and Iâ€™d been trying to quit smoking that day, too. What kind of masochistic psycho does this to oneself?
7/23 Night Seven
Definitely teething. I feel like an asshole for hating my daughter for being in pain. Asleep on mattress at 9:30, slept until 11, nursed again, and back in our bed around midnight. Tossed and turned all night.
The only thing that makes her mouth feel better is nursing. Iâ€™ll be giving her some pre-bedtime Motrin tonight to see if that makes a difference.
(photo:Â Â ElvisNguyen)