Childrearing

I’m Losing My Mind While Sleep Training My AP Toddler

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I never, ever thought I would be here—hating both bed sharing and nursing. I hated them both at that moment. I found myself thinking tomorrow I would force-wean her and lock her in a room in a crib and let her cry until she can’t cry anymore. I am not a good person on zero hours of sleep with nipples that feel like they’re hanging on by single tendons.

So roundabouts 3:00 a.m., I found myself musing on attachment parenting. I wondered why it meant so much to me. I realized I have always been the type to martyr myself for the good of someone else, even for other people who really didn’t fucking deserve it (read: ex-boyfriends). I should have known that if I would do extreme, stupid things for people who didn’t deserve it, that I should have been really, really cautious about what crazy shit I might try for my own child’s well-being.

I wondered if I was just being impatient. I knew sleep training wouldn’t be an instant thing, but I feel irresponsible for waiting until my sanity was whittled away to a hair’s breadth to start this process. Oh, and I’d been trying to quit smoking that day, too. What kind of masochistic psycho does this to oneself?

7/23 Night Seven

Definitely teething. I feel like an asshole for hating my daughter for being in pain. Asleep on mattress at 9:30, slept until 11, nursed again, and back in our bed around midnight. Tossed and turned all night.

The only thing that makes her mouth feel better is nursing. I’ll be giving her some pre-bedtime Motrin tonight to see if that makes a difference.

exhausted

(photo:  ElvisNguyen)

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