having a baby
15 Ways To Celebrate The End Of The Baby Years FOREVER
My last baby is about to turn one, and I couldn’t be more excited. I know the family planning process is different for every parent. Some families play it by ear and may keep their options open for another baby in the next five years. Some parents, like me, decide that they JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE and beg their husband to get a vasectomy as soon as their second child is born.
While my approach is a touch dramatic, I’m definitely happy to have two kids. But I don’t want any more, and I praise modern science for coming up with the sperm tube snipping procedure that is supposed to have a 99% success rate. (Vasectomy Jesus, don’t fail me now!)
Some parents feel sad when their last baby is no longer a baby. I kinda sorta understand where you’re coming from because I’ve kept a few newborn garments because AWWWW. But the rest of the baby shiz? I am so ready to kick it to the curb and order a family size pizza for everyone.
The baby stage is OVAH, and here are 15 amazing ways I’m going to celebrate:
1. Book a babysitter and get drunk.
Secretly laugh at all CONGRATULATE of my friends who are newly pregnant.
3. Dramatically sweep baby bottles out of the cabinet while laughing maniacally.
4. Smash my breast pump with a hammer.
5. Start a newborn diaper bonfire in the backyard.
6. Invite friends and roast s’mores, whilst ignoring the unpleasant smell of burning plastic.
7. Virtuously recycle baby gear and pat self on back.
8. Virtuously donate baby gear to Goodwill and use it as a tax write-off.
9. Sell baby gear on Craigslist and make some MUN.
10. Binge-eat all of the leftover baby food until I puke.
11. Look at old baby pictures and ugly cry.
12. Book a babysitter and get drunk.
13. Hang adorable baby shoes over car rearview mirror.
14. Delete mind-numbing baby TV shows from the DVR.
15. Drink coffee and then wine and then wine and then coffee all day long because no one lives in my body, BITCHES.