If Holiday Newsletters Actually Told The Truth

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Happy Holidays, friends! It’s that time of year again — when we send you an update you totally don’t need since you follow us on Facebook!

Well, what can I say? 2014 was pretty amazing. Suzie’s still not potty trained even though everyone says “girls get it sooner!” I think she just takes satisfaction in having me wipe her ass while she pretends to read “One fish. Two fish.” Jeffrey is doing great: he’s graduated from trying to shove things up his nose, to hoarding household items under his bed. If I want to make a fucking omelet, I have to ransack his room to find a spatula. Fun!

The job is amazing. My new boss is a 25-year-old childless woman who constantly gives me unsolicited advice on parenting from a “fresh” perspective. There is nothing “fresher” than not knowing what the hell you are talking about. Karma is a wild-eyed bitch, so I can’t wait until she gets knocked up.

Jonathan and I are going stronger than ever! 12 years, three kids, and he still refuses to get a vasectomy. So I’m a 40-year-old woman who has to track her period on her iPad like a teenager and live in fear that Mother Nature will decide to screw me with some more spawn. But back to Jonathan, I’m pretty sure that he’s holding out for some magical second half of his life, where he abandons his family, marries a 22-year-old, drives a corvette, and has three more kids. That may actually be fine with me, because I’m not sure how much longer I can handle the sound he makes when he eats Cheerios in the morning.

Our summer travel plans never panned out because the daycare we send our children to is basically bleeding us alive. We barely have enough money left over for groceries – imagine that! But our house if filled with a lot of amazing construction paper crafts, and my child learned the word “booger,” so it’s probably all worth it.

We look forward to tricking you into believing our lives are picture-perfect by posting totally unrealistic photos on Facebook for another year. Thanks for being in our lives, even though you know essentially nothing real about us!

(photo: jennoon028/ Shutterstock)