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Why Shorts And I Are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together

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nope shorts memeI’ve been involved in an off-again, on-again relationship with Shorts for the past thirty-one years. While there have been good times along the way, the recent emotional turmoil that comes with this relationship just isn’t working for me anymore. I know I might have said these words before in anger or frustration, but this time I really mean it– I am never ever wearing shorts again.

The last time I saw Shorts, it didn’t end well. It was only a couple months after I had delivered twins, and I wasn’t in the best place– both physically and emotionally. They were mad that I wanted to hide them under a loose fitting top, I was mad that they were giving me a wedgie, and we were both pretty upset with how much effort it took to zip. Rather than drag out our relationship for the rest of the summer with both of us feeling uncomfortable, we decided to do the mature thing and end our relationship then and there.

Because we had such a history together (that time we went moonlight swimming with our crush, that night we got out of a speeding ticket, and all of summer 2008) we decided a clean break would be best. No trying to get together to test the waters to see if we could make a more casual relationship work. Shorts went off to sulk in the box on the bottom shelf of the closet along with my string bikinis and lacier lingerie and I hung out with my maternity pants until Labor Day.

crying tay swift


 For the next two years I didn’t think about Shorts all that often. The potential for a toddler meltdown meant my days of browsing through the racks were over, with all store trips being treated like a tactical mission to get in and out as quickly and with as few issues as possible. Plus a new found love of running and my status as a stay at home mom let me get really close with Yoga Pants (we kept it casual though, they knew I had multiple pairs).

But this past weekend I found myself at Kohl’s with a couple minutes to spare before I had to get back to relieve the babysitter. I was meandering my way though the fragrances  when I found myself at the end of the cosmetics department. I looked up, and what I saw before me caused my breath to catch in my throat. There were Shorts! And they looked even better than I remembered. Shorts looked so good in fact, that I found myself reminiscing about how great we used to be together.

sup shorts


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