Pregnancy

Anonymous Mom: I Was So Traumatized By My Natural Birth That It Ruined My Second Pregnancy

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My first pregnancy was so easy, and this one made me swear off ever having another child. I spent the entire time concentrating on trying to not feel like complete crap and being terrified of going into labor and experiencing another episiotomy.

Two weeks before my due date I went in for a checkup and because, at this point, I felt like crap and thought I was dying. Turns out that my blood pressure had shot through the roof and I was sent home with strict instructions to get into bed and stay there until the morning so I could check in at the hospital and be induced the following morning. Once again, that’s when shit got real. I spent the next 24 hours in bed bawling and panicking and begging my husband to take me anywhere but the hospital in the morning, because I still had 14 days left. I wasn’t ready for this.

When we got to the hospital, I was petrified. They induced me, and things went great. I couldn’t believe it. I was so calm and life was good. Then the contractions picked up and it was time. That wonderful man from anesthesiology showed up with the good stuff. I got my epidural. And it didn’t work.

So I went through the process again. And it didn’t work.

I had two failed epidurals. And the anesthesiologist gave me the saddest look ever and told me that for some women, it won’t work. I was going into labor, again, without drugs.

I freaked the fuck out.

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I tried to rip out my IV. I screamed at the nurses and tried to climb out of the delivery bed. I spent my entire labor scared to death of the tray covered in tools and screaming at the doctor not to cut me. When it was suddenly time to push, I did and my baby boy was born five hours after being induced at nine lbs. 10 oz. and 26 inches long, without an episiotomy.

When I went back to the doctor for my check up, I asked her how someone could have two so completely different experiences. The answer I got is that it’s different every single time for every woman.

I spent my second pregnancy so absolutely terrified of labor that I’m pretty sure I ruined my chances of enjoying something I won’t be going through again.

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(photo: sean dreilinger)

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