Anonymous Mom: I Was So Traumatized By My Natural Birth That It Ruined My Second Pregnancy

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I ended up with a fourth degree episiotomy. It traumatized me. I have nightmares about going through that delivery again, waking up screaming, and it’s been over five years ago. Honestly, I don’t know if you can have your vagina and anus cut/torn apart while being completely aware of what’s going on without becoming traumatized.

When we left the hospital my husband had to pick me up and put me in our car. He had to carry me in the house to our bed and then, thank God, for four weeks I didn’t leave unless I had too. When he had to go back to work my Mom came to stay with us. I cried every time I had to move or go to the bathroom. The idea of walking made me hysterical. It was six months before we could have sex without me bawling.

Fast forward four years and I was pregnant again. My first conversation with the OB went like this:

Her: “Congratulations! You’re definitely expecting!”

Me: “I want the drugs.”

Her: “Ok, we will need to start seeing you regularly…”

Me: “As many drugs as you can give me.”

Her: “Um… ok, so the nurse will talk to you through when to schedule…”

Me: “I didn’t see you write that down, you need to write that down, I want all the drugs. I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to remember it, and you knock me the shit out when I go into labor.”

I spent the first three months of my pregnancy terrified of going into labor. Every day I’d count down until when I’d have to go through labor again, panicking every morning that it was getting closer. And then around month four I was struck with every side effect of pregnancy you can imagine.

I instantly swelled up to a ridiculous size. My feet were so large that I wore bathroom slippers to work; they were the only thing that would fit. My hips displaced so I could barely walk without crying. All someone had to do was say the word “chicken” and I would projectile vomit like you’ve never seen. I woke up with a headache somewhere around month five that didn’t go away until after I’d delivered. I was constipated and I had hemorrhoids. I would sweat for no reason. I developed pregnancy carpal tunnel. I had the worst acne I’d ever seen. And through it all I told myself it’d be worth it if I had a little girl.

At week 22, I found out I was having a boy.


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