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I Really Hate Jean Diapers & Their Creepy Commercials

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For a long time, diapers minded their own business. They went about their day, hidden under adorable children’s clothing. Hopefully, they kept shit contained. Literally. But they never worried about making a fashion statement.

Then, with the advent of disposable diapers, one of the manufacturers had an awesome idea. If you put likable children’s cartoon characters on them, toddlers will begin to ask for a certain type of diaper. Find the right character, and a little kid will start screaming in the grocery store just to get that diaper. Parents hate screaming in the grocery store. They’ll definitely give in.

Now, marketers seem to be hoping that they’ll tap into another insatiable appetite. They want to cater to trendy mamas who will do anything to make themselves and their children cool. Its the kind of mom who will camp out for Stella McCartney’s GAP Kids line. Its the mom who starts curling her daughter’s hair with an iron before the kid can even hold her head up. Its a mom so obsessed with being hip that she’ll waste money on argyle-printed diapers.

Last summer, jean diapers were released by Huggies. I honestly thought that we would all make fun of the ridiculous-looking blue poop-catchers, have a laugh and then we’d never see them again. A little while later, Cynthia Rowley designed a line of diapers. I began to get worried, but she was also slapping her name on Band-aids, so I took a deep breath and relaxed. A whole summer went by relatively designer-diaper free. But those sly bastards had lured me into a false sense of security.

All of a sudden, Wham! Creepy baby playa strutting around in denim diapers! Even worse, creepier voice-over talking about being number one while you’re going number two. Apparently, they surveyed their local middle school boy’s lunch table to come up with their slogan. I mean, who else could come up with, ‘The coolest you’ll ever look pooping your pants.” Don Draper is hanging his head in shame right now, Huggies Ad Team.

According to The Wall Street Journal, the awful chic diaper trend isn’t going anywhere. Due to slowing birth rates, diaper manufacturers are looking for any and every possible way to get parents to spend more money. That means a khaki diaper is already being introduced to test markets in Connecticut. I can see the next commercial now; a suave little tyke with slicked-back dark hair, proudly sporting his khaki diaper at the country club and turning heads on the tennis court.

Diapers go under clothes. They are not clothes substitutes. And if its so inconvenient to put actual clothes on your child, who cares what the diaper looks like? I can understand investing in cute clothe diapers. At least you’re going to use them again. But I simply cannot see a single reason to spend extra money on polka-dot diapers. Sorry Huggies, you’re going to have to find a new schtick if you want to earn some extra money out of this mother.