I Have Had It With These @#$?! Snakes On This @#$?! Car!

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So I’m not proud of this, but dealing with vermin is generally my husband’s job. We live in an older house in the mid-Atlantic, so that means the summer is inevitably my favorite time of year — cockroach season! Seeing a cockroach generally has me scurrying away while screaming like the girl I am and begging a barely sentient form of life for mercy.

My husband generally does his best to deal with my weakness — no joke, his Shaolin monk-like reflexes once snatched a bird out of mid-air with a toy bucket room after it came in through the chimney to flutter around our living room during an intense rainstorm.

Lately, though I’ve been learning to manage. I’m proud to say that I recently killed a roach while my husband was at work. I left it in the basement for him to pick-up when he got home, however, because… ewww.

So if you can imagine that’s how I feel about cockroaches, let’s just consider for a moment how I felt watching the following nightmare fuel where a mom is cruising down the highway with her young boy in the back and a LARGE VENOMOUS SNAKE crawls out from the warm engine block and begins slithering around the windshield:

The husband is, of course, laughing and filming the whole time, unhelpfully commenting “a huge water moccasin inside our car.” (Actually, I didn’t know this when I first saw the video, but it turns out that it’s “harmless gray rat snake” — but the mother driving the car didn’t know that at the time so STILL HORRIFYING.)

In any event, the mom driving seems impressively sanguine about the whole thing. Maybe it’s because southerners — this is in Tennessee — have to deal with these creatures all the time. (My husband’s uncle lives in a lovely house in a beautiful Charleston suburb that’s positively infested with alligators, all manner of blood-sucking insects, and, yes, water moccasins. They laugh about it, while I get howling fantods if I have to walk to the end of their driveway without a shotgun.)

In any event, I’d like to think if this happened to me I’d stay composed and find a way to get the snake off the car. But watching it from afar, all I can think is AGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!