I Have A Favorite Child And I Bet You Do, Too

I was talking to my Childhood BFF the other day about whether or not parents have a favorite child. She recently had a daughter and was sharing her fears of having a second child and resenting the baby for taking away some of the love and attention from her older sister.

A nicer person than I might have told her not to worry — that she will love all her children equally. Perhaps the polite thing to do would be to quote her one of those “your heart expands to find more love” memes that make my gag reflex tickle. But when you’ve been friends with someone for longer than the shelf life of a Twinkie, you keep it real. So I told her she is right to worry, because I have a favorite child.

My twin boys were born seven weeks early, and I am very fortunate that they spent minimal time in the NICU before coming home. But they did not come home together. Remy was discharged a full week ahead of his brother. It didn’t happen intentionally, but I found myself more focused on Remy at home than his brother who was still in the NICU. With Remy I had my very own Baby Alive doll to feed, change and cuddle, while Lolo was this beautiful porcelain doll at the hospital in a clear box that I could only touch with someone standing right next to me to make sure I didn’t break him.

Even though I went to the hospital to visit Lolo every single day until his homecoming, I found myself unable to focus on him and was filled with anxiety about his brother back at home. In hindsight I’m sure that part of my reluctance to bond with Lolo was psychological — that I was afraid to love him because something may happen to prevent him from coming home. I realize now that this was my own brain trying to protect me. But I beat myself up about it for months. I made a conscious effort to give Lolo all the hugs and kisses that flowed out of me so easily for his brother and I never until now told anyone because I felt like a monster of a mother for not loving my children equally at birth.

Now that my boys are a bit older and completely healthy, I still have a favorite. It can vary based on recent frequency of tantrums and who let me get more sleep last night, but in general I think of one as better behaved and sweeter than his brother. On days that aren’t total chaos I take a step back and realize that they are both cuddly and both bratty in pretty much equal measure. I am aware of my bias and trying to eliminate it, or at the very least, to not make it obvious. But still I find myself getting frustrated more quickly with one twin, placing him in time out after pulling him off of the chair his brother was jumping on so cutely only minutes ago.

Years ago before I had babies of my own and therefore felt free to judge the parenting choices of others, I had a co-worker with two children. Her kids were in grade school, her daughter a couple years older than her son. One day she told me she felt badly because she found herself getting angry with her daughter more easily than her son. Because her daughter was older there was more of an expectation for her be well behaved, while the son was the ‘baby’ who didn’t know any better. I (silently) judged the crap out of my co-worker for this. And yet now I find myself in the same boat, without the ‘baby of the family is always spoiled’ cliche to hide behind.

I’m learning to be okay with having a favorite child. My conversations with other moms have made me realize that it happens, and all parents have a certain sense of discomfort about it. It’s something that I need to be mindful of, something that I don’t ever want to say out loud or be so brazen about that it is obvious to anyone, especially the boys. My children are still young, so I am not ruling out the possibility that once their personalities start to emerge the one I hold just a teeny bit dearer may change. For now I will continue to work hard so that both my children feel like they get attention and affection from me, but if at the end of the day a certain little one finds his way into my lap and raises a chubby palm to pat my cheek, I’m not going to push him off and I’m most certainly going to allow myself to feel badly for enjoying it.

Some moms might shake their heads and cluck their tongues and swear on something sacred that they don’t have a favorite child, but before you clutch those pearls stop and think for a second. If you have to run an errand, which child do you prefer to take along for the ride? When you snap a cookie in half for your minions, who do you give the slightly bigger piece to?

I think it’s not only acceptable to have a favorite child, it’s healthy. Just like the adult relationships in your life, you get different need fulfilled by different people. Your partner might be the one you turn to when you want to share your hopes and dreams, but no one can make you laugh like your sister can. Your mother might drive you nuts with her passive aggressive comments about your parenting choices, but she’s the only one who you trust to be completely honest when an article of clothing isn’t working for you. Having these nuanced relationships doesn’t mean that you love any one family member more than another, just that you love them in different ways and for different reasons. The same goes for you kids, but maybe it’s better if you don’t tell them.

(photo: Vladimir Volodon/ Shutterstock)