Call Animal Control: 6 Reasons George Should Be In A Zoo By Now

If you watch enough children’s television, you may find yourself having some internal dialogue with various characters just to keep your brain cells from deteriorating.  Did you really send an e-mail to all of your classmates making fun of that girl, Arthur? You’re kind of a prick. No, Super Why, I don’t think adding 3 + 2 is a “really big problem!” These are the kind of deep thoughts I have while trying to win the battle between limited screen time and my limited sanity.

One of the shows I sarcastically overanalyze is Curious George. Maybe it’s that George isn’t even a monkey; he’s an ape. Maybe it’s that PBS leads into each episode with a kid telling me that “George is a monkey (NO, HE’S NOT!) and sometimes he does things that we can’t do,” even though many of their examples are things that kids can very easily do. But at some point, I started watching and mentally cataloging all of the people who would have reported The Man in the Yellow Hat and his monkey-poaching ways to the authorities. Let’s face it; Curious George should be in a zoo by now. These folks would have made sure of it.

1: Commuters:

Commuters deal with a lot of craziness. There are no seats. People are dressed like superheroes, hookers, or not fully dressed at all. First, people have to make space for some idiot breakdancing for tips or a YouTube video, and now you want them to make room for a monkey hauling groceries? Nope. Plus, there’s the, “If you see something,say something” campaign from Homeland Security.  You can bet angry, frustrated humans are going to be suspicious of a monkey with a Metrocard.

2: Restaurant Patrons

Meals in the “big city” don’t come cheap, so there’s going to be some shade thrown when people discover that their Italian cuisine is being taste tested by a stray cat named Gnocchi.  Now add an ape whose opposable digits are all up in their spaghetti sauce and you can be sure Chef Pisghetti would get his ass handed to him in his Yelp reviews, followed by a quick surprise visit from the Health Department.  Once he was forced out (to be replaced by two Dunkin Donuts and a Saladworks), Pisghetti would make a phone call or two, and the next tomatoes George would be squeezing would be from behind Plexiglass.

(Image: tumblr)

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