I Didn’t Get My VBAC And It’s No Fault Of Any Hospital Or Doctor

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So I wait. And wait. An hour later, I catch a nurse in the hall and remind her that it is six p.m. I’ve been in testing since 9:30 in the morning, I haven’t eaten, and I really want to go home. She informs me that he is in “back-to-back” c-sections, and it will probably be a couple more hours.

“I really just want to give my body a few more days to see if it will happen on its own. I’m not consenting to a c-section tonight. I want to leave this hospital right now. Are you telling me that I can’t do that – legally?”

She looks at me like I have just told her there is a purple unicorn in my bed. She simply doesn’t seem to believe that I am questioning anything.

“Fine,” she says, and returns minutes later with a form that says “consent to leave against medical orders.” I’m totally ready to sign it, but am saved by another nurse who says the doctor has given me the okay to leave. They all give me a look that says, “you’re pretty much probably going to die now,” and I finally leave the hospital.

Why go through all of this, you may be thinking?  The memories of the birth of my first child — also a c-section — are so traumatic for me. I can’t believe I have to go through this procedure again. This time, I know exactly what I am in for and it scares me even more. How am I going to care for a newborn and a toddler while recovering from major surgery? Of course, there is always the fear that I am going to drop dead on the operating table and leave my children motherless. I know this isn’t productive thinking but this is what is happening right now.

The whole thing really makes me understand why women are terrified of childbirth. I know many women who are so afraid of the pain that they would rather have a c-section just to get it over with. I wish I was one of them.

So, I have another few hours and then I’ll have to surrender to the operating room. I’m not happy about it but it’s time. I have a baby in there that is still comfortable, happy and healthy and I need to get her out while that is still the case. I have to admit that I am really sad that I couldn’t do this. I really am. But it’s time to be a big girl, face my fears and head to the hospital. I can’t even tell you how much all of your words of encouragement, your tips and even our arguments have helped me through this pregnancy. Time to finally meet this child!

(photo: LesPalenik / Shutterstock)

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