I Am Not The Mom I Imagined I Would Be

With two kids and almost four years of parenting under my belt, I can finally admit that I’m not the mom I imagined I’d be.

I had a million ideas of what my mom-self would look like. Having struggled with infertility before my first child, I had years to think about it. I fantasized about the mother I would become so much so that she kind of took on a life of her own. She was amazing, this future me. I crafted her perfectly in my mind, convinced I knew what she would look like.

I was wrong. In fact, sometimes I actually feel a little envy toward this woman; this perfect mother I’m not.

It’s so easy to judge the parenting of others before you have kids. You simply can’t concept how difficult the most basic things can be; getting your kids to eat something, getting their pajamas on at the end of a long day, getting them to listen these were all things I was certain I would have no problem with. I’ve always had a sort of commanding presence; people don’t generally give me a hard time. I’ve often fallen into positions of leadership at the variety of jobs I’ve had quite easily.  Parenting would be a breeze, right?

The problem with fantasizing about the type of mother you’ll be before you actually become one, is that you inevitably forget to fantasize about a key element of the equation your future child. Before I had one, I just imagined that children were vessels that we filled up with all the things we wanted them to be. If I was patient, they would respond in kind. If  I had a sense of authority about me, they would bow to it. If only it were that easy. I forgot to consider the fact that children have their own personalities and ideas about how they will approach the world. An infant isn’t an empty vessel she’s a person with ideas, perceptions and preferences. This can be a startling revelation to a new mother whose child isn’t responding to her ”perfect parenting” the way she’d hoped.  There is an Internet meme that describes this perfectly:

You’re making it hard for me to be the parent I always dreamed I would be.

I didn’t anticipate this much struggle. I never thought for a minute I would have a child who didn’t listen. Then he turned three.  All of a sudden, my sweet little perfect eater became a screaming, picky tyrant. I’ve tried time-outs, I’ve tried raising my voice, I’ve tried taking things away from him nothing works. I used to look down on mothers who seemed at times to not be able to control their children; now I am that mother. I’m certain that I’m paying some sort of karmic debt for all the silent judging I used to do before I had children.

This mother I spoke of the one who existed in my head before I had children she never had to discipline her kids. She just had to give them a ”look” and they fell in line. She didn’t have to beg them to eat dinner. She didn’t have to put them in time-outs for screaming at her. She was so lucky.

I write about parenting for a living, so I often tell these stories where I admit that I have no idea what I am doing. Everything about my parenting has been fluid. If I could invent a name for my parenting style, it would probably be ”Play It By Ear And Cross Your Fingers.” I’m so envious of the moms who seem to have it all together. I’m especially envious of the ones who tell me how bad I am at this job. I wonder what it would be like to be so confident in your parenting that you could tsk tsk others online for doing it wrong. What would that feel like?

The mother I imagined I’d be and the one I actually am look very different. The only thing that brings me solace is that I can’t be the only one who imagined parenting would be easier than it is. If the mom you have become doesn’t look like the one you always thought you’d be you’re not alone.

(photo: JaySi/ Shutterstock)