Pregnancy

8 Ways To Respond To The Question, ‘Are You Pregnant?’ When You’re Not

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If you know so little about a woman that you are unsure whether she is pregnant or not, don’t ask her. If you were close enough to someone to ask such a question, you would already know the answer, right? Why do people think it’s remotely okay to ask a woman if she’s pregnant? If you have to ask, it’s clearly not totally obvious — hence you should not be asking. Avoid the awkward. Close your mouth.

This wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation if it didn’t happen so often. Just this week, Jennifer Garner told Ellen that she constantly has people asking if she’s pregnant because of her “baby bump.” No, she’s not pregnant. She just happens to have a minute amount of flesh that has settled around her midsection after housing three humans. See? No matter how fit and beautiful you are, it still stings a little when someone asks you if there’s an extra human in your body when there’s not.

Since there are so many people in the world who have no sense of social propriety, I decided to make a list of responses you can give if you ever get the dreaded, “Are you pregnant” question.

1. Are you an idiot?

fucking-idiot

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Abrasive, yes – but it gets the job done.

2. You’re pregnant?! Congratulations!

i-see-what-you-did-there

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Pretend like you’ve misheard and congratulate the person on her impending pregnancy. Obviously only works on women. It’s like “I know you are but what am I” for adults.

3. I was born without a uterus – but thanks for reminding me how much it stings. 

evil-laugh

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You don’t have to be missing a uterus to do this. You just have to be committed to lying in the service of teaching a stranger a lesson. Also good if you can bite back fake tears and walk away.

4. No, I’m just fat.

feel-the-awkward

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This is my favorite. No one knows how to respond to this.

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