10 Ways Your Toddler Will Try To Kill Your New Baby

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I may have made a fatal mistake because I had my kids close in age. On purpose. Now, all I have to say about that is: OOPS. In all actuality, I still don’t regret my decision to have two kids back-to-back and fast-forward the baby years, but I can’t deny the fact that most of my time is spent trying to keep my toddler from murdering his younger brother.

I was talking to a very close friend of mine who just had her second child, making both of her daughters two under two. After I welcomed her to the club of insane parents who want to punish themselves by having their kids close in age, she confirmed that I wasn’t the only one with a murderous toddler in my house. Whew. What a relief. I gave her the only advice I knew could protect her family: Don’t leave your adorable newborn on a blanket on the floor because your toddler will run up and kick her in the face! I am speaking from experience here.

It’s always wonderful to welcome a second child into the family. But unless you have a very “mature” toddler on your hands, you need to watch your newborn’s back.

Here are 10 of the many ways your toddler may try to kill your baby when you bring him home from the hospital:

1. Kicking In The Face: We got to the point where we always kept the new baby in the living room in a Pack ‘n Play so that my older son couldn’t casually walk by and kick him in the face.

2. Slapping In The Face: Pretty similar to point #1, except this time involving hands.

3. Stepping On The Face: Again, leave your newborn in a baby gym on the floor at your own risk.

4. Choking: As my second son grew into a mobile baby, I’m ashamed to admit that more-than-a-little toddler choking happened before I had to break it up.

5. Pushing On The Ground: This still happens literally every day.

6. Hitting With Toys: Yep, this is still happening.

7. Handing Him Chokable Items: It seems like my toddler knows much more than he lets on as he slips his baby brother a highly dangerous pebble or button to put in his mouth. Evil genius.

8. Pushing Down The Stairs: The most epic incident occurred when my toddler pushed his baby brother down a flight of stairs as he was crawling up to see him. Then he promptly threw up on himself—presumably from the guilt. (FYI: My husband and I were a few feet away the entire time.)

9. Scalding With Hot Water In The Bath: Yeahhhh, my kids still don’t bathe together because son #1 is all about burning son #2 with hot water from the tap.

10. Screaming Maniacally: I know that you can’t murder by screaming, but sometimes it feels like it. Both of my kids still try to out-scream each other at least once a day.

(Image: MNStudio/Shutterstock)