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100 Steps To Getting Rid Of Stretch Marks Fast

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get rid of stretch marks fastAll pregnant women and women who have had children are greatly concerned with stretch marks. Here are 100 easy ways to get rid of them and reduce the appearance of them.

1: Never get pregnant.

2: Never grow at all. You should tell your parents by age three weeks that you would like to be kept in a metal cage that will ensure that you never grow taller or larger.

3: Men get stretch marks too so don’t be a man.

4: Drink lots of water.

5: Eat kale.

6: Only eat kale.

7: Only eat kale with olive oil. Take the olive oil and also rub it all over your stomach.

8: Buy creams made with olive oil. Don’t eat this cream.

9: Don’t drink too much water it may cause your belly to extend and you may get stretch marks.

10: Don’t be born to a mother who was also prone to stretch marks. This may include some careful consideration and planning.

11: Don’t eat *nine bags of M&Ms at one time (*not the fun-sized bags)

12: Only hang around blind people or people with poor eyesight.

13: Buy creams specifically targeted to stretch marks.

14: Get a seaweed wrap with organic, locally harvested seaweed.

15: Eat the seaweed wrap.

16: Wear a sheet. You can get style tips from Casper The Friendly Ghost or Pig Pen from the 1966 television special It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

17: Hormonal changes can cause stretch marks. Never have any hormonal changes.

18: Obese people can get stretch marks. Don’t be obese.

19: Underweight people can get stretch marks. Don’t be underweight.

20: If your grandmother had stretch marks, you may too. Call your grandma and tell her she is a bitch.

21: No don’t do that we love grandma.

22: Stretch marks can show up on your belly, thighs, upper arms and buttocks. Have buttock removal surgery.

23: Black women get stretch marks lighter than their skin tone. Don’t be a black woman.

24: White women get stretch marks pinker than their skin tone. Don’t be a white woman.

25: Butter can help reduce the appearance of stretch marks. Get a large bowl of popcorn and put butter on it and hold it over your belly to reduce the appearance of stretch marks.

26: Stretch marks happen in about 80% of pregnant women. Try not to fall in the category of 80% of pregnant women.

27: Stretch marks do fade over time. When you are 189 years old you won’t have any stretch marks at all.

28: Stretch marks can develop because collagen and elastin fibers in the dermis are stretched beyond their limit, causing them to break. Dermis is sort of a fun word to say over and over again out loud to your cat.

29: Speaking of your cat, they can play a huge role in reducing the appearance of your stretch marks if you always carry them around over your belly.

30: Fashion models rarely have stretch marks because of photoshopping in post-production. Be a fashion model.

31: Not wearing a midriff top can reduce the appearance of stretch marks.

32: So can not wearing low-rise jeans.

33: So can not wearing lingerie.

34: So can not wearing a bikini.

35: So can never being seen naked.

36: Refer to step 16.

37: You can reduce the appearance of stretch marks by getting a tattoo where stretch marks are present.


38: You can reduce the appearance of stretch marks by wearing makeup where stretch marks are present.

39: You can reduce the appearance of stretch marks by getting a spray tan. You can also start a career as a person who is an orange or carrot impersonator.

40: Your stretch marks won’t bother you if no one can see them. Blind your parter.

41: Don’t call them stretch marks. call them “tiger stripes.” You can also post memes on your Facebook page that read this:


Everyone hates this fucking meme so eventually you will lose all of your friends and no one will be around to see your tiger stripes or stretch marks.

42: A good home remedy for reducing the appearance of stretch marks is to remove your stomach.

43: Animals have fur that cover their stretch marks. Be a dog.

44: Rub Vaseline all over your stretch marks.

45: Make your partner rub Vaseline all over your stretch marks and when they get a boner remind them that petroleum products can cause condoms to break and you don’t want to have a fucking baby again so soon.

46: Use a pulsed dye laser. A pulsed dye laser set at 585-nm was shown to reduce stretch marks in post-partum Korean women. Be a Korean woman.

47: Get an abdominoplasty. Those cost between $4000 and $20,000. If you still have stretch marks after this hit your head against the wall ten times and cry over the fact you spent  between $4000 and $20,000.

48: Only be seen in dim lighting.

49: Make peace with your stretch marks. Draw faces on them using a Sharpie.

50: Rub egg oil on your belly. I have no idea what egg oil is I am not a dermatologist. Consult a dermatologist.

51: Cocoa butter has not been proven to reduce stretch marks. Cocoa butter is not delicious, despite the name.

52: Nutella, hazelnut butter mixed with cocoa, has been proven to be delicious and can be proven to reduce the appearance of stretch marks by exclaiming loudly to people who notice your stretch marks with “Who wants some Nutella?”

53: A blanket can reduce the appearance of stretch marks if you always wear one.

54: So can a poncho.

55: So can a bath towel.

56: So can a full body suit of armor.

57: So can a full body cast.

58: So can not having a body. Be a ghost.

59: Weight lifters also get stretch marks. Hang around weight lifters and compare.

60: Someone on a website said:  “I’ve been rubbing peanut butter and goat milk on my stomach and my stretch marks are gone.”

61: Go milk a goat and get some peanut butter and rub this on your stretch marks.

62: DO NOT do this around hungry bears.

63: You rarely see a bear with stretch marks. Ask them their secrets.

64: Never eat ice cream out of the carton. The truly delicious ice creams come in small containers. Get a big bowl to eat ice cream out of and place it over your belly to greatly reduce the appearance of stretch marks.

65: Some women with stretch marks reduce the appearance of them by using a lot of exclamation points. This method has not been scientifically proven.

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66: Rub lotion on your belly. Stretch mark lotion can be purchased for $300 a bottle.

67: Rub glitter oil all over your belly. This won’t reduce the appearance of stretch marks but people will be distracted by the sparkle.

68: Children under the age of four rarely have stretch marks. Be a child.

69: Eat food rich in Vitamin C.

70: Contrary to popular belief, Starburst fruit chew candies have very little vitamin C.

71: Screwdrivers do contain vitamin C. Mix orange juice with vodka and get so fucked up your stretch marks no longer bother you.

72: Considering most people have stretch marks, realize how utterly stupid it is to be bothered by them.

73: If your partner is worried about the appearance of your stretch marks, a great way to reduce this is by murdering your partner and burying them in a ditch in a deserted field.

74: Fish don’t get stretch marks. Cover your body in fish scales.

75: Celebrities like Kim Kardashian who have also had a baby probably have stretch marks. Call Kim up and ask her.

76: Get a very large merkin to cover any stretch marks you have on your belly.

77: Eat a diet rich in fruit and vegetables. To make vegetables more palatable cover them in delicious cheese.

78: Try and exercise regularly by walking by the stretch mark creams in department stores and not buying them.

79: I have never seen a bee with a stretch mark. Ask a bee their secrets.

80:  You can reduce the appearance of stretch marks by only begin seen in the dark.

81: Try and become a vampire.

82: Mother Theresa was probably not too concerned with her stretch marks. be Mother Theresa.

83: People won’t notice your stretch marks because they probably have them too.

84: If they do, they are assholes.

85: Don’t hang around assholes.

86: Some teenagers have stretch marks. Some teenagers do drugs. Also consider taking drugs.

87: Wear Spanx all the time.

88: *Note that putting on Spanx may cause you to stretch your body trying to get them on and that also can cause stretch marks.

89: Some women having difficulty conceiving post things like this on their Facebook page:

Postpartum Maeks

These women should be deleted from your friend’s page.

90: Some women TTC also have stretch marks.

91: Some childfree by choice women also have stretch marks.

92: Some women who have never been pregnant, never want to have a baby and hate babies also have stretch marks.

93: Some amazingly sexy and gorgeous women who have never had children, have never weighed over 110 pounds, and who run many miles a week also have stretch marks.

94: Some men who have never had a child also have stretch marks. Don’t be that man.

95: You can greatly reduce the appearance of stretch marks by not being born. * May require planning.

96: According to *Julia Sonenshein, a great way to reduce stretch marks is to peel your skin off like a banana. * Julia is not a doctor, proceed with caution.

97: You can reduce the appearance of stretch marks by covering your body with whipped cream and walking around with it all over you.

98: Robots are rarely seen with stretch marks. Be a robot.

99: A proven method of never growing stretch marks is to remain a fetus for as long as possible.

100: Be a turtle.