having a baby

100 Steps To Getting A Perfect Post-Baby Body

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How To Get Back In Shape After Pregnancy

1: Don’t eat

2: Except on Mondays, Wednesdays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Sundays, Fridays And Saturdays.

3: On Saturdays, eat what Tracy Anderson tells you to. It is kale.

4: Drink lots of water. Water is the thing that comes out of your bathroom faucet but you can also buy it in bottles or sometimes find it in streams but sometimes the water in streams can be dirty.

5: To get arms like Gisele Bundchen amputate Gisele Bundchen’s arms and amputate your own arms and attach Gisele’s arms to your arm holes. Tip: get permission from Gisele first.

6: Don’t eat cupcakes. Unless they are cupcakes made out of kale and water.

7: To get a perfect post-baby bikini body be three-months-old.

8: Avoid alcohol.

9: Avoid red meat.

10: Avoid Cheetos.

11: Avoid Taco Bell.

12: Avoid any sort of nuggets unless they are nuggets made from kale.

13: Go running.

14: Go walking.

15: Go jogging.

16: Avoid the sun.

17: Avoid the wind.

18: Avoid the rain.

19: Avoid listening to Missy Elliot‘s 1997 hit song The Rain while eating Cheetos.

20: Avoid dog bites, especially dog bites on your body.

21: Avoid breastfeeding. Breastfeeding can cause your breasts to change shape and elasticity.

22: Breastfeed. Breastfeeding helps you burn calories.

23: Formula feed your newborn. It will cause arguments. Arguing burns calories.

24: Don’t finish food left on your toddler’s plate unless you are eating like a toddler in which case the food you finish will be three goldfish crackers with only their butts left and 1/4 of a string cheese covered in toddler saliva.

25: Cry. Crying burns calories.

26: Go to Wal-Mart and buy a jogging stroller. When you realize you are in Wal-Mart you will leave quickly and not buy the jogging stroller or the case of paper towels in your cart. Leaving quickly burns calories.

27: Know Kanye West.

28: Kanye West Goes to Barry’s bootcamp to workout.

29. Maybe Kanye will invite you with.

30: Kanye has claimed to have invented leather jogging pants. Wearing leather jogging pants makes you sweat. Sweating burns calories.

31: Pace back and forth with your baby at two in the morning singing old Bruce Springsteen songs and worrying about college tuition fees and gun violence. Pacing burns calories.

32: Spend 10 years chasing after your children asking yourself how they grow up so fast.

33: Avoid unflattering lights.

34: Avoid mirrors.

35: Avoid being seen in public.

36: Avoid being seen in public unless you are appearing in a Weight Watchers commercial with Jessica Simpson.

37: Join Weight Watchers. Lose 40 pounds of post baby body weight in three months*. *Results not typical.

38: Go on a juice cleanse.

39: Go on a water cleanse.

40: Go on a lemonade cleanse and mix cayenne pepper and lemons and water and maple syrup. Realize it doesn’t taste like lemonade and walk over to the sink and dump it out. Walking burns calories.

41: Do Pilates.

42: Do yoga.

43: Do hot yoga and drive to the hot yoga and sit in your car and look at the most recent Land Of Nod catalogue and turn pages. Turning pages burns calories.

44: Cut your hair. You can lose three ounces by cutting your hair.

45: Eat healthy during your pregnancy and only gain the recommended amount of weight for your BMI and your body type. This can range from 10 pounds to fifty pounds and changes based on new studies that you will see every four seconds and what your doctor says when they take your weight and frown.

46: Don’t eat while watching TV.

47: Don’t eat ice cream while watching TV.

48: Don’t eat ice cream while watching TV episodes of DVR’d The Bachelor.

49: Don’t eat ice cream with ice cream.

50: Run.

51: Run.

52: Ride like the wind. To be free again.

53: Don’t eat carbs.

54: Count calories.

55: Count the calories and carbs in lettuce. ( One cup shredded, five calories, 1.6 grams carbs)

56: Apply olive oil to your belly during pregnancy.

57: Apply cream to your belly during pregnancy to keep your skin hydrated.

58: If you have stretch marks after pregnancy blame your mother. They are hereditary.

59: If you don’t have a mother and cannot call her for swaddling tips walk down the street until you find an older women or a woman with kids and ask her. Walking burns calories.

60: Practice positive reinforcement.

61: Practice mindful eating.

62: Practice standing in the mirror naked until you can raise your eyebrow like Beyoncé.

63: Practice leaving three bites of food on your plate after you finish eating a meal and stand in front of your garbage can and eat the rest of your meal instead of throwing it out. Standing burns calories.

64: Eat breakfast.

65: Eat nutritious snacks.

66: Nutritious snacks do not count if they are eaten at seven in the evening because you were too busy caring for a newborn and you had no time to eat lunch except for the stale Oreo you had that you found in the bottom of your pantry while looking for the rice you made for the dinner you didn’t get to eat because your baby has colic.

67: Get some fresh air.

68: Get some fresh fish.

69: Don’t cook the fish because the air vent on your stove is broken and you have no money to fix it because diapers are expensive.

70: Read workout tips in women’s fitness magazines.

71: Draw pentagrams and mustaches on the faces of cover models in women’s fitness magazines. Drawing facial hair on Heidi Klum makes you move your hand which burns calories.

72: Bring the women’s fitness magazines outside to the recycling bin. You can can burn eight calories doing this.

73: Set goals.

74: Set deadlines.

75: Set your alarm for five in the morning so you have time to work out and turn off your alarm at 3:45 because your baby has woken up with a wet diaper.

76: Don’t make excuses.

77: Don’t make excuses that you don’t have time to work out and eat nutritiously because many women all over the world have babies and get right back in shape and don’t sit around on their fat asses when they could be getting back in shape and replying angrily to comments like this on message boards burns 4 calories. If you find the perfect flipping the bird gif you burn an additional .5 calorie.

78: To get post-baby body legs like Miranda Kerr you need to be born Miranda Kerr.

79: To get a post-baby body butt like Beyoncé you need to be Beyoncé.

80: To get a post-baby body like Gwyneth Paltrow you need to have a personal trainer and eat a lot of raw foods or be Gwyneth Paltrow.

81: Be Gwyneth Paltrow.

82: Find an exercise you love and do it daily then it won’t even be like exercise it will be like curling up on your sofa on a rainy day with an amazing book you can’t put down and your cat curled up under the blankie and a cup of spiked hot chocolate while your newborn blissfully naps in a bassinet next to you. It will be just like that.

83: Find an exercise you love and do it daily and it won’t even be like exercise it will be like someone rocking your baby to sleep while you sink into a warm, oversized bathtub filled with scented sudsy water and a fluffy dryer-warmed towel waiting for you.

84: Find an exercise you love and do it in the 30 minute time frame you have daily which is usually reserved for starting a load of laundry or emptying the dishwasher. Buy a lot of paper plates and extra underwear and black pants that hide stains so you no longer have to do laundry.

85: Try and eat from all of the food groups daily and Starburst candy does not count as a fruit.

86: Make time for yourself.

87: Make time for yourself that does’t involve crying over the bathroom sink because your hair is falling out.

88: Make time for yourself that doesn’t involve expressing the milk from your rock-hard breasts into the bathroom sink because you drank an extra glass of wine and are scared of nursing your baby.

89: Go on long walks but don’t forget your keys and lock the door behind you and have to wait outside until the locksmith arrives while your baby cries in the stroller but standing and waiting burns calories.

90: Invest in a new workout wardrobe that you can also wear while trying to make friends with other moms at the park.

91: Ask other moms how they got their post-baby body back over Starbucks and cake.

92: Don’t spend time with sixteen year old women who have never given birth.

93: Don’t compare exercise notes with men who have never given birth.

94: Don’t eat cold hot dogs standing in front of your refrigerator because you are so hungry and it is 11 at night and you forgot to eat dinner because your baby is teething.

95: Don’t wear the bra where the underwire on the left side is coming out and poking you in your underarm until you almost bleed.

96: Sign up for a marathon or the Olympics and get in shape for it.

97: Eat healthy foods.

98: Get enough sleep even if it is falling asleep because the baby is asleep at 10 in the morning and you forgot you had a pediatrician appointment.

99: Get liposuction.

100: Don’t get pregnant.

(Image: sanjagrujic /shutterstock)