9 Outfits Parents Are Actually Allowed To Judge You For In The School Pick Up Line

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How do you look when you drop your kids off at school? Are you “put together”, or more the “hot mess” variety? Do you favor jeans, or do you commit the true crime against humanity of wearing yoga pants out of the house?

Yesterday I ran errands with my kids while wearing workout shorts and a baby-food-splattered t-shirt, so you can guess where I stand on the issue. But some people think that moms need to get themselves together before they pull into the pickup line at their kid’s elementary school. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who gets their kid to school alive and on time is “together” enough. However, I do think there are certain rules about what a person should or shouldn’t wear to drop off their child at the beginning of the school day, and I hope you’ll take these to heart. Please: think of the children.

1. A hazmat suit

When you leave your night shift job of decontaminating radioactive waste, you need to change back into your civvies. This is how kids get radiation sickness, not superpowers.

2. A helmet filled with bees


3. A Scream mask

This either screams “I’m a creepazoid” or “I take Halloween a little too seriously”, and either way, it means your kid is not getting an invitation to the popular kid’s birthday party this year.

4. Nothing

Just plain unsanitary. No shirt, no shoes, no sense in smearing your butt-germs on every thing you sit on.

5. Eau de shark attractant

Sharknados are no laughing matter.

6. Lady Gaga’s cast-off meat dress

Even if it isn’t rancid by now, this runs the risk of attracting a pack of wild dogs.

7. A Buffalo Bill-style suit made of the flesh of your victims

On the bright side, this saves other parents the trouble of having to guess if your house would be a safe one for little Bobby or Susie to go play at.

8. A Jaeger

This may seem like a good idea if your child’s school has recently come under kaiju attack, but really, giant chain swords and children just don’t mix.

9. Strategically placed peanut butter and whipped cream

I’m sorry your date night got cut short, but come on: some kids have peanut allergies. This just isn’t safe.

(Image: bbevren / Shutterstock)