Mommyish Guide: How To Be A MILF

How To Be A MILF Tip Nine: Have Someone Else Watch Your Kids On Occasion 

In order to be a MILF you need to get away from your kids on occasion. Yes, I know all your kids and babies are totally adorable and you hate being away from them but you need to. You need alone time, you need adult conversation time, you need activities that stimulate you. On occasion you need to hire someone or ask someone else to spend time with your children – away from you. How to be a MILF means that you have at least part of your identity separate from your children, and you do grown up things your children are not involved in, on occasion. Join a book club, climb a mountain, get drunk at a dive bar (but please call a taxi to bring you home) or learn to pole dance. Join a coupon clipping club. Go get your hair did. Volunteer somewhere.

How To Be A MILF Tip 10: Learn To Love Yourself, Or Like Yourself, Or At the Very Least- Tolerate Yourself 

You have probably figured out by now I’m not going to give you some magical how to be a MILF formula. There isn’t one. I’m not going to tell you how many squats to do or how many calories to eat or where to buy a garter belt and pencil skirt or how to give your partner the best oral sex of their lives. Sure, all that shit is fine and dandy but the point is, you really don’t need to do any of it. Or do all of it, but none of it will matter if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and think of five things you like about yourself. And I promise you this, there are. And I’m looking at you, mom with four kids sitting there with a pile of laundry and a pile of bills and a coffee-stained T-shirt on. And I’m looking at you, new mom with a baby who finally fell asleep after crying for 30 minutes straight who is asking herself “What the fuck have I gotten myself into?” You are all so much hotter than you know.

Demand you get time alone to bathe yourself. Eat food that you love that makes you feel good. Get enough sleep. Follow all the rules above. You are sexy and smart and strong and capable and you have a really beautiful heart. Your laugh is gorgeous and your hair looks pretty even though you fastened it with a bread twistie tie you found on the floor while you were mopping. You are all MILFs. I’d F any of you.

Now go and buy a bucket. Or five.

(photo:No known copyright restrictions/ Studio10Artur/shutterstock)

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