Loss

Hospital Bills Are The Salt In The Miscarriage Wound

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sad woman

When a couple experiences a miscarriage, the grief can come from any number of things. Seeing pregnant women and babies in public, hearing news of a pregnant friend or family member, having baby items that you’ve purchased around the house- the list goes on. It would seem the sources are endless for bringing back that pain as freshly as the day it happened. One thing that can cause immense sadness is when the hospital bills start rolling in from the D&C or labor process. When a woman is trying to heal in the months after a miscarriage, the walk to the mail box can become a heart-pounding experience.

I had a miscarriage last fall- my first one. The pregnancy itself was a bit of a surprise as we were not actively trying, but not preventing either. I was over-joyed but also, a little scared. My kids are seven and five. We had emerged from the baby and toddler years and the idea of going back was somewhat daunting, but we were embracing it. We started discussing names right away and made a list of all the baby items we would need to buy again since we had already sold everything from our first two kids. We were happy and excited- the nerves faded fast.

After a short time, I realized that I didn’t “feel” pregnant and asked my doctor for a blood draw. The number was a little low so I had to repeat it several times. It was rising slowly and I was concerned, but according to my doctor, it was too early for an ultrasound. He said we might not see anything considering how low my numbers were and then, I would only have to endure another ultrasound later on. As long as there was no bleeding, I would have to wait. It was pretty much the worst- a roller-coaster. Not knowing whether we should be excited or preparing to grieve made for an awful stage of limbo. Many tears were shed in our house last October.

After almost a month of wondering, right before I would have been nine weeks, I started to bleed. Ironically, I had my first ultrasound scheduled for the next day. To be honest, it was almost a relief to have an answer after all the sleepless nights wondering if the baby would happen and if so, would they be healthy? We had the ultrasound the next day to confirm and discovered the baby had stopped developing around five weeks and the present yolk sac was “abnormally formed.” Like I said, a concrete answer was a bit of a relief but of course, we were sad.

My doctor advised a D&C for the next day as he was concerned for me to miscarry naturally and not pass everything on my own. The procedure was easy and free of complication. I had a difficult few moments right before going under for the surgery- gasping and crying, worrying it was my fault and that my initial doubt over how we would handle a third child was the reason why the universe took our baby away. Ridiculous, I know, but our thoughts are not always rational during this process.

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