Women's Issues

10 Hobby Lobby Products That Could Double As Sex Toys

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6. You could try nipple clamps.

hobby lobby nipple clamps

This Brown Cast Iron Clip is described as “[a]ccent décor while getting practical use out of this functional Brown Cast Iron Clip,” which is not a full English sentence that I understand. However, HL goes on to mention that “[t]he clip opens to hold items such as paper, poster board, art work and more.” And more, indeed! Look, some people are really into nipple stimulation, and don’t get enough action from another person. That’s where clamps like this come into play. It’s cool that this one is so awesome looking. It’s just another example of how HL takes aesthetics into account when providing options to broaden your sexual horizons.

7. Or this double ended insertion situation.

hobby lobby sock shaper

I bet you all thought that dildos were single-user mechanisms–am I right? Actually, I’m probably wrong, you sick devils. Luckily, Hobby Lobby knows that dildos are hardly only for one person’s enjoyment, and is championing the use of double ended sexual insertion through their handily misnamed “Sock Shaper.” It’s almost as if Hobby Lobby’s motto is “it takes two to tango” instead of “we’re just going to set up shop in your uterus and do some business in here.”

8. There’s a hand crank vibrator.

hobby lobby craft hand drill

This Portable Craft Hand Drill is perfect for solo penetration on camping trips (or try it at the airport, office, Starbucks, or any place without an outlet). Truly one of the most difficult aspects of battery operated sex toys is that inevitably the batteries die, and it’s always at the least opportune moments. This baby is fully ready to go without power. Just discard those drill bits (those are for show–this thing is shaped like an actual penis so excuse me if I don’t believe this serves a legitimate crafting purpose) and get cranking.

9. And a masturbation sleeve.

hobby lobby small french knitter

This item is called the “Small French Knitter,” which should speak for itself. There is simply nothing that goes by that name that is not intended for sexual purposes, and I know a bunch of French people who will back me up on that. Upon closer visual examination, this appears to be a knock off Flesh Light, or a tube that one inserts a penis into for achieving sexual pleasure. Huzzah! I really love Hobby Lobby’s championing of masturbation in addition to anal play, which is all too often painted as immoral or dirty, instead of healthy and normal. Good on them.

10. And for the visually and historically stimulated among us, here’s some cool Victorian anatomical porn.

hobby lobby victorian scissors

This set of “Pink Victorian Scissors” is pretty awesome if you’re into niche pornography that draws its inspiration from Victorian anatomy textbooks. If I had to guess, I would imagine that this is about as accurate a drawing of a woman’s reproductive system that any Hobby Lobby big wig could draw, probably labeling it “the, uh, downstairs.”

Photos: Hobby Lobby

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