Women's Issues

10 Hobby Lobby Products That Could Double As Sex Toys

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In case you were living under a rock for the past week and missed the whole Hobby Lobby debacle, SCOTUS five old men ruled that family owned corporations cannot be compelled to pay for certain types of contraception coverage under the affordable care act, because it would conflict with their religious freedom. Okay.

Hobby Lobby has been widely criticized for the fact that they’ll continue to cover vasectomies (and a slew of other, less than admirable policies), making this pretty baldly an attack on women and their reproductive rights. Some of us may have wondered how on earth it is that SCOTUS doesn’t seem to understand that one person’s religions freedom isn’t mutually exclusive from another’s right to use contraception. Some of us might have cried actual tears of blind rage to see such blatant institutional support for something that will significantly hurt women, and our nation at large. Some of us don’t understand how we got here.

Now, I was ready to boycott the place. I was seething with anger. But then I took to the Hobby Lobby website, and boy, was I shocked. Now, I’m pretty sure Hobby Lobby still isn’t qualified to decide which medications it will and will not subsidize for its employees–my understanding was that we had created an elite class of narcissists called “doctors” to tell us which medications to use. But, after perusing the Hobby Lobby website, I simply cannot believe for a moment longer that these people have a problem with sex. In fact, if we’re to look at their product line, it’s pretty obvious that these people are kinky sex freaks who are into all sorts of things. Clearly, their biggest hobby is sexy stuff. In fact, these guys could give any sex store a run for its money.

1. Here’s some anal beads.

hobby lobby anal beads

If you want to tell me that this Multi Color Glass Bead Strand (made by “Bead Treasures” and from the “Poetic Spirit” Collection) isn’t meant to be inserted into an anus in such a way that it stimulates one sexually, then you’d be a goddamn liar. You cannot look me square in the eye and tell me this isn’t a sex toy. I know how the world works. I know where you put those things.

2. Everyone loves a cock ring.

hobby lobby cock ring

Nothing makes a penis look more regal or sophisticated than a cock ring. Luckily, the forward thinkers over at the Hobby Lobby have you covered with these vaguely named “White Plastic Rings” (and offer a variety of sizes) so that you can look your best for your next sexual rendezvous. Or, just wear it for yourself. It’ll be your little secret! It comes in a pack of 24, which means if you lose one (I don’t need to know where), you’ve got plenty of back up. You’ll never be caught with an undecorated penis again! Thank you, Hobby Lobby!

3. Well, here’s some butt plugs.

hobby lobby butt plugs

I was perusing the “Accessories and Notions” category of the Hobby Lobby site, and I was elated to stumble upon this Point Protector set, or in the common parlance, butt plugs. The set comes with two pairs, which is lovely if both you and your partner like the feeling of being stuffed up the bum. Blessedly, it also comes in a jumbo size. You know, it’s time to talk about butt play. I want to tip my hat to Hobby Lobby for being so forward thinking and progressive about this–many people have some sort of mental block when it comes to backdoor action (see: the Great #Cilantro Debate). But I love that the Hobby Lobby is doing its part to encourage us to be more open about our sexual desires, and to experiment. Way to go, HL!

4. And here’s a wood dildo.

hobby lobby wood dildo

I have literally no idea what a wood dapping block does in the craft sense, but I know what a wooden phallus does in the vaginal sense. One warning: I’m a little hesitant when it comes to wooden sex toys–they’re porous and can absorb bacteria. You really should read up on wooden sex toys before inserting this into your orifices.

5. And a glass dildo!

hobby lobby glass dildo

They also sell glass dildos, if that’s more to your preference. Although the silicone models are dishwasher safe, glass is endlessly recyclable. It’s nice that at least the Hobby Lobby cares about the environment. Just don’t tell them Mother Earth is female.

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