40 Utterly Hilarious Tweets About Marriage
Ahhhhhhh, marriage. The most joyous of unions! A partnering built on mutual love and respect! A life built together based on a foundation of shared values, hopes, and dreams. And the only time you’ll be driven completely mad by someone’s inability to just buy what’s on the goddamn grocery list. Marriage is a big commitment, but if you play your cards right, it can also be an exciting and beneficial endeavor. That’s not to say it’s always rainbows and sunshine. Plenty of couples struggle, and it takes a lot of work! It also means sharing your life and space with someone for the foreseeable future. That alone is enough to drive anyone crazy sometimes, as these marriage tweets demonstrate.
You may have picked the perfect partner, but that perfection is going to take the day off every once in a while. How many times can you ask someone to load the dishwasher correctly? Or take the trash out on trash day and not the day after? How many ways can you lovingly ask that your partner stop snoring before you smother them in their sleep? Well, if you’re married, the answer is infinity. Infinity times! Because no one listens the first or third or thirtieth time you ask. When you’re married, you see all their good qualities, which are nice. BUT, you also get a front-row view of all their flaws. Flaws aren’t deal-breakers, for the most part. But they sure do make for some funny marriage tweets. Snuggle up with your spouse and read these, then blame them on each other.
A second set of eyes can be helpful! Especially if yours don’t work so good.
Listen, we lean on our partners in good times and bad. We work together to make life happen, and help each other when the going gets tough. We also rely on their strengths to shore up our weaknesses. If you can’t see, how the hell are you supposed to find your glasses, which help you see?! That’s when marriage comes in really handy. But it only works if you marry someone with better vision, so make sure to establish that during the dating phase. And somehow, your spouse always knows where you left something. It’s like a sixth sense they have, which they will lord over you constantly.
Marriage tweets showed us how it works 99% of the time.
Awwwww, that’s sweet! He thought she was asking because she genuinely cared whether or not he wanted to go. That’s very sweet. Silly husband. When we ask you a question, it’s almost always been answered in our head before we ask it. We’re just giving you the opportunity to answer correctly the first time and win some Brownie points! Think carefully before you answer, as a wrong answer will stay with you for months. “Hey, remember that time I asked you if you wanted to go grocery shopping with me and you didn’t say yes?” “That was … six months ago.” Annnnnnd, cue silent treatment.
HOPE YOU HAD A NICE NAP.
Here’s the thing: it’s not that we begrudge our spouses the ability to take a nice nap in the afternoon. OK … maybe we do. Why should they get to nap when we don’t get to nap?! Naps should be shared equally and enjoyed by all. But what happens when you go lay down for a nice afternoon snooze? Suddenly the entire house falls apart, there’s probably a flood or a fire, and no one can find a damn thing. So no, spouse, you don’t get to just lay there all carefree and catch up on your sleep. Whenever you see your spouse napping, it’s understandable that you’re struck with the sudden urge to learn how to play the drums. Hobbies are good.
Marriage tweets highlight how so many couples communicate.
Tweets also show us how the male and female brains can differ. Generally speaking (we know, we know, NOT ALL <insert group here>), women remember important details. And men remember details that are important TO THEM. Names? Relation to your family? Specific details of their involvement with your family? No, none of those are going to ring a bell. Physical traits or characteristics? That’ll do it! Especially if said trait happens to be a large chest or butt, lol. Suddenly it all comes flooding back and they can recall, with extreme precision, everything about a person. It’s some kind of weird magic.
Oh, spouses can be such jokesters.
HAHAHAHA, that would be so funny! Oh man, what a laugh you’ll get from that! A story to share with the grandkids, for sure. If you make it that long, that is. Nothing, and we mean nothing, will threaten your life like waking your sleeping wife. Unless something is on fire, someone is bleeding, or you just brought home her favorite food for no good reason, DO NOT WAKE YOUR SLEEPING WIFE. She’ll forgive the kids for blowing an air horn next to her while she’s asleep. She will find a new spouse shortly after your funeral and live high on the hog on insurance money if you do it.
Just stick to the list.
Well, the good news is, a baby is only slightly more expensive than a new iPhone! Isn’t this just how it goes, though? Wife goes through all the trouble of putting together a cute little surprise to announce she’s pregnant, and spouse just completely blows past it in confusion. To be fair, if you were expecting an iPhone and opened a box to find a stick your partner had peed on, it would be a bit of a letdown. Also kind of gross. We could compose an entire list of marriage tweets showing some obtuse reaction just like this one, it happens so often.
Spur of the moment can be fun!
Who needs to think things through? Planning and research is for suckers, LOL. But we relate to this so much. It’s like when you pack for a trip with your partner and family. It’s usually the wife who spends weeks preparing lists, checking off items, meticulously packing suitcases and emergency supplies. And then he comes along, throws some (probably) clean underwear and a couple of shirts and pants in a shopping bag, and and away you go! To be honest, we would probably also buy something that featured a cute dog. So this is relatable. Companies can sell pretty much anything to anyone with a dog.
Marriage tweets sometimes nail it in a very real way.
In our defense, we don’t know exactly what it is that we want for dinner. But we do know, 100% of the time, what we don’t want! See, that should make it very simple for our spouses, yes? All you have to do is go down a very extensive list of foods until you say something that sounds good to us. Why is this such an issue? And just a pro-tip: when we say it’s up to you, we don’t REALLY mean that it’s up to you. LOL, no. What on earth would ever give you that idea? This is one of the first rules of marriage: when we say you decide, what we mean is read our minds because we’ve already decided.
How … do they do that?
This is a very special super power that only husbands and toddlers seem to possess. The ability to “be ready” but also not at all ready? Like, didn’t you just watch us run around frantically for the last two hours getting everything ready so we could leave that the predetermined time? We didn’t ask you to help, because we know how you … help. We didn’t make demands of you while you sat on the couch and watched a war ship documentary. We did it all, and all we asked is that you were READY when we were READY. It’s always either a shower or they have to poop. Every single time.
Marriage tweets can show us just how connected we are to our partners.
To understand how marriage works, you’ve got to understand how men and women see things differently. He sees an engine icon, we see a submarine. Because listen, IT LOOKS LIKE A SUBMARINE. Does it look like an engine? Sure, we suppose it looks like that too. And yes, it’s very confusing that there is a submarine warning on the control panel of our car! So glad we cleared that up, thank you for confirming our confusion. Find you a spouse who is on the same page as you, especially in terms of how weird it would be to have a submarine warning in your car, LOL.
It’s like negotiating the release of a prisoner.
There are some things that need to be worked out and put into a legal contract before you get married. What happens in the event of a split, who gets what, what will happen to your kids, etc. All important things! But no one thinks about what’s really important: what the thermostat will stay at in the summer and winter. It never fails – you run cold and marry someone who runs hot, or vice versa. If marriage tweets can teach us anything, it’s that the thermostat will be a bone of contention throughout your entire marriage. Pick your number and stick to it, you are strong enough to win.
Pat yourself on the back, buddy!
Well, in all fairness, it probably was a very momentous occasion. See, this is how marriage works: we pester and nag for so long that we begin to lose all hope that something will get done. And then out of the blue, they do it, and suddenly they’re a hero who deserves accolades for doing the thing we’ve been asking them to do for days! Taking out the trash, fixing the leaking faucet, putting the Christmas decorations in the garage weeks after we’ve taken them down – sure, do it eventually and applaud all your hard work. Much deserved, no doubt.
What’s wrong with a little color?
They see a man cave or garage or dungeon or whatever. We see an opportunity to paint and decorate and add some accent pillows and wall art! If they didn’t want us to jazz up “their” spaces, they should put a lock on the door. LOL, just kidding, we can pick locks and there is no such thing as “their” spaces. We have our spaces, and those are OUR spaces. And their spaces are also our spaces. See how that works? Now be a doll and move that recliner so we can add a cute little side table with an essential oil diffuser, this place reeks.
Well, it’s probably true.
We have a very simple explanation for anything and everything that ails you: drink more water! Headache? Drink more water. Tummy upset? You need some water. Loss of limbs? Well, what do you expect when you don’t drink enough water? Wives and mothers can tell when you’re dehydrated. If you’re not going to fix the problem, don’t complain when your head hurts or you can’t poop or your arm falls off. Marriage tweets have a funny way of showing us how we’re always right. Now go drink some water, you look a little dry and your skin isn’t very bright.
It’s like we speak completely different languages.
Honestly, one of the best parts about marriage is sending your spouse to purchase something that only you know anything about. Wives have a lot of fun (and a little aggravation) making their husbands stop for feminine hygiene products on the way home, LOL. But husbands can have a little fun of their own when they send their wives to the hardware store to “pick up something easy”. Do you have any idea how many different wrenches and screws and sockets there are? Probably about as many different kinds as there are pads and tampons. Keep it simple: send a screenshot.
Don’t you dare touch a single thing in that house.
So, here’s the thing: when the house is clean, we mean REALLY clean, you best do your damndest to make sure it stays that way. We don’t put in all that effort only to have surfaces covered in fingerprints and stuff left everywhere hours later. And chances are, we’re cleaning the house in preparation of company or an event, in which case it needs to stay in this exact condition until our guests can see how clean our house is. So if you can’t help but make a mess after the house has been cleaned, then yeah, you gots to get out for a bit. Have fun at the hotel, order room service and make a mess somewhere else.
That sounds about right.
Marriage tweets tell it like it is. We don’t make the rules! Our stuff is precious. It is all valuable and holds much sentimental meaning and we can’t live without it. Your stuff is, well … not to be rude, but how many empty cardboard boxes for old electronics do you need, exactly? Just imagine the possibilities if you threw out trash like actual trash! So much more room for throw pillows ans candles and trinkets. You know, our stuff! The good stuff. Our stuff is superior to your stuff anyway, so there’s really no point in fighting a battle you will surely lose.
Marriage tweets and Target? Heaven.
So, it’s always a gamble to go to Target with your spouse. Do we really want them in our scared space? Making fun of our Target rituals or asking “Do we really need that?” Or worse – do we want them to see just how much money flies out of our wallets after a quick trip around the store? Visit Target with your spouse at your peril, but if you do decide to take the risk, place a GPS device on them before you enter through those hallowed doors. They might not zone out the same way we do, and before you know it, you’re stuck there and they’re sitting on the couch at home.
Not all marriage tweets are created equal.
There are two kinds of marriage tweets: couples with kids, and couples without kids. Marriage tweets about couples without kids are funny and sweet and highlight the innocence of marriage when it’s just the two of you. Marriage tweets about couples with kids are … different. See, once you have kids, something changes in your marriage. Not in a bad way, but it’s definitely much different. Being invited out for drinks at 9:30 p.m.? Who does that?! By 9:30, most of us have been in pajamas for two hours and are about one episode of a Netflix show away from passing out on the couch. Nice to be asked, though!
Think of the alternative!
See, we may not be perfect. No one is! But our flaws, well, they’re minor in the grand scheme of things. Now, if those flaws didn’t exist, just think of our potential! Surely someone could overlook how we whistle when we poop or take up all the bathroom counter space with lotions we don’t ever use. Now think if your flaws. Should be easy to find a catch when you can’t manage to change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty and haven’t changed your own underwear in four days. Be grateful for what you have, everyone! Someone else definitely would be, LOL.
He’s not wrong.
“You’ll feel better if you take your bra off” is the husband equivalent of “You need to drink more water”. And you know what? He’s not wrong! Everything does feel better when you take your bra off. Bras are the worst and no one likes wearing them. Now, it feels better to us and them for very different reasons. We see it as a way to relax and feel more free and comfortable. They see it as an invitation for some boob fondling. Us getting comfortable is not a guarantee you’ll get to second base, guys, but good on you for trying.
Marriage tweets perfectly sum up the “one up” game.
So this is how it will go. He complains about his back. Wife tells him he can’t complain because he hasn’t done anything to fix it. So he sees a doctor, and thinks he can now complain because he did something to try and fix it! Except no. Because now he’s opened himself up to a very classic case of “I told you so”. Because the doctor probably found a problem, and now the wife gets to throw that in his face and tell him it would be better if he hadn’t waited so long to get it fixed. See? There’s just no way to win here.
It’s like summoning a spirit with a chant.
Remember the Bloody Mary chant from when we were kids? If you stood in front of a mirror and said Bloody Mary three times, she would appear and murder everyone or bring candy or your period or something. A husband sitting on the couch and saying out loud, “I have nothing to do today” is the marriage equivalent of the Bloody Mary summons. Buddy, there is NEVER nothing to do. Saying it out loud just gets you a honey do list a mile long. You have to perfect the art of appearing to be busy while actually not doing a damn thing.
We get it, our stuff is so much better.
Our products are specially designed to make us as beautiful and youthful and glowing as possible. There are extracts and oils and scents and specific formulations. They are wonderful and expensive and we need everything one of them. You … use the same soap on your hair that you use on your body. Don’t dip into our products because yours suck! Get your own fancy products. We know exactly how much should be in every bottle based on how much we use everyday, don’t think we won’t notice when the bottle is emptier than it should be. Plus the scent wafting off your hair will give you away every time.
We love you and also don’t want to look at you.
Awwwww, that first year of marriage is so sweet! You’re madly in love, can’t live without each other, want to spend every free moment of your time together. That honeymoon phase is one of the best parts of marriage. But it ends. Rather swiftly! And pretty soon the sound of them eating or breathing and the way they flip the channels too fast starts to grind on your nerves. Marriage should come with two living spaces, for when that honeymoon phase comes crashing to an end. His and hers houses! It’s brilliant. They can even be on the same piece of land so at least you see each other once in a while.
Marriage tweets show us that everything is a competition.
There’s nothing like the constant competition between you and your spouse, right? Anything they can do, we can do better, we can do anything better than them. Always need to get the last word, make the last point, be the last to say I love you. But the longer you’re married, the realer the competition gets. Yes, yes, we know you love us so much, but how long has it been since you’ve showered because it’s been four days for us and we’re gunning for the record! The level of comfort you have with your spouse after so many years of marriage is really touching. And also kind of gross.
You really need to see them in their element.
See, no matter how long you’ve dated someone or how much time you’ve spent with them, you’ll notice certain … quirks after you get married. Things you hadn’t noticed before. People are comfortable to be their true, disgusting selves after the ink on the marriage certificate is dry! No more putting on a front to hide the fact that you pick your toes in bed or drink milk and orange juice mixed together. Before you get married, lay it all out on the line, and demand the same of your partner. Being gross isn’t a reason not to marry someone, but it’s always nice to have a heads up about what you’re getting yourself into.
All good things come to an end.
Once you have kids, you have an entire crop of people you can and should embarrass at every single opportunity. But before the kids, you have your spouse. There’s nothing like embarrassing the crap out of your spouse in public. Because what are they going to do? They’re clearly already embarrassed, they’re not going to draw even more attention to themselves. Sure, it might cost you some lovin’ that night, and maybe you’ll get the silent treatment. But that is all 100% worth it to watch them smile tensely through your rousing rendition of whatever song is currently playing.
It’s all about teamwork.
Marriage tweets teach us that it’s all about playing off each other’s strengths. One of you might be stronger and can lift that box into the attic. One of you might have a stronger stomach and can handle that take-out-left-too-long biohazard in the back of the fridge. But of you might be short, but only one of you probably wears high heels tall enough to reach the spider currently camped out in the corner of the bathroom ceiling. Just don’t tell her that’s why you suggested leaving them on. If she knows you left a live spider in the bathroom for her to handle, you’ll most likely wake up with that spider on your pillow in the morning.
Hide the receipt!
Marriage is basically just a game in which you try to hide how much you spent on something from each other for as long as possible. At least until they forget you bought it and don’t notice the charge on the card or the debit on the account. The funny thing, most couples will eventually find out how much their spouse spent on something. But since they themselves have a couple of purchases they’d like to keep quiet, they won’t ever bring it up. So just keep using “I got a good deal on it” or “I got it on sale”.
Thems the rules!
Marriage is all about helping each other out! It’s a mutually beneficial partnership. And as these marriage tweets demonstrate, sometimes it can be more beneficial for you, if you play your cards right. You should be rewarded for doing your spouse a solid! They’re sick, they can’t leave the house, and CVS is a bit out of your way. So throw in some candy and makeup. Just don’t forget the actual medicine or whatever it is they asked you to stop and get. A little harder to justify your added rewards when you fudged up the entire reason for stopping in the first place.
Marriage tweets can detail the little things that nearly tear us apart.
Marriage is pretty much a series of microaggressions that threaten to send us into a tailspin or rage on a daily basis. You and your partner can move mountains together. You can tackle any problem, big or small. The two of you are a force to be reckoned with when you work together. But when one of you has a dumb opinion or is so completely wrong about something it’s actually unbelievable? Lord help us, it could very well be the end of the whole shebang. How can someone be so incredibly wrong about something?! This is marriage in a nutshell.
Remember, it’s all about mind-reading.
Some of these marriage tweets demonstrate the subtle art of knowing exactly what to pick or what to say without being given any clues whatsoever. See, she can’t just come right out and say which color she likes the best, for two reasons. One, if she picks her favorite and he doesn’t like it, it’ll be very bad for him. And two, she wants him to pick the color she likes best without having to tell him which one she likes best! It’s how she knows he really loves her and knows her. You’ve just got to learn how to read minds when you’re married, it’s as simple as that.
It’s really the little things.
Oh man, we all have our list, right? The little things that annoy us to the point of blind rage that don’t seem to bother our partners. Everyone’s list is different. For some, it’s beard hairs in the sink and crumbs in the bed. For others, it’s when they put the toilet paper roll on backwards or don’t scrunch the cereal bag down in the box so it doesn’t go stale. But if you haven’t planned out all the ways you’d get your petty revenge for these things if given the chance, then are you even married? Married and petty go hand in hand.
Isn’t that always how it goes?
The way husbands and wives look for lost items is very, very different. Wives actually LOOK for the lost item. Meaning they get up, they search the house, they look under cushions and behind doors and in boxes. They do a thorough search of the house, because it’s got to be around here somewhere, right? Husbands take a cursory glance in their immediate vicinity and if they don’t see it, declare it lost forever. They also have the unique ability to not being able to find something sitting in plain sight. It’s sort of amazing and fascinating and incredibly annoying.
So thoughtful!
Cuddling is awesome! Snuggling is the best. So is not being touched and being able to watch your entire movie in peace without your partner making some noise or another or asking a poorly timed question or getting up to get something every seven minutes. We know when you’re really choking, so stop making so much racket because our favorite part is coming up and I don’t want to have to rewind it, I don’t care if it’s easy to do! Also popcorn as a snack when watching a movie with your spouse is just a bad idea. It’s so crunchy and they can’t eat it without making a huge mess.
Some marriage tweets describe our idea of the perfect evening.
After a handful of years of marriage, maybe a couple of kids, the idea of actually going out into the world to have fun sounds positively dreadful. Whether you realized it was happening or not, you likely got a lot less fun after you got married. You’re still loads of fun to your partner! But your idea of fun has changed quite a bit. Why go somewhere loud and expensive when all you really want is to catch a nice buzz on whatever is in the liquor cabinet and pass out watching something on Netflix? Who says romance is dead, anyhow?
It’s like marriage bootcamp.
We asked for a smoothie. We said nothing about the noise you make while making that smoothie! Tweets like this sort of sum up how marriage is really a great training period for when you have kids, lol. Because this is totally something a kid would get mad about. But just think: you’ll have so much time to practice silent smoothie making once you settle down and tie the knot! It’s a great like skill, one that will undoubtedly come in handy throughout your life. Just make sure to pick the right fruit for the smoothie. You don’t want to piss her off with the noise AND the wrong fruit.
The best self-own.
Inside our brains is a magical place. You might not understand what we’re saying, or you might think it’s nonsense and doesn’t make a lick of sense. But we know it does! We came to it through a very particular process, one that might not be understandable to our partners. So they might feel like they need to “explain” it to us and correct our statement. But once they start saying it out loud, they realize: we are right. We’re pretty much always right. And even when we’re not right, we’re not wrong. We’re just less right. Still right though.
Marriage tweets of show us just how supportive our partners can be.
We love our partners. We’re here for them through thick and thin, to help them and support them and listen as they share their woes. We are down for them, 100% of the time. Except … can they pick a better time to have the heavy talks? Like, we get it, you need to talk about something. But our show just started and we have to watch it before all the spoilers are posted all over social media in an hour. Sooooo … can we do this a little bit later? It’s not that we don’t want to listen. It’s just that we can be so much more supportive when our show is over.
