Head Lice Are A Common Problem, But That Doesn’t Make Them Less Terrifying

Every parent has certain things that gross them out beyond their ability to suck it up. Some people can’t handle loose teeth. Others can’t handle cradle cap or nose picking. The thing that sends me running and screaming in the other direction is head lice.

I was lucky enough as a child to never have to deal with head lice. I would listen in horror as friends explained their battles with the buggies and vow to do anything my power to never get it. I realize, of course, that it wasn’t their fault they got lice and that my avoidance of it was largely luck, but that does nothing to calm the intense reaction that stirs in me whenever I hear the word ‘lice.’

I was browsing Reddit recently and stumbled upon a link to a natural parenting blog offering natural alternatives to medicated lice treatments. It was the usual crunchy stuff: coconut oil, castile soap, essential oils, and apple cider vinegar. While I applaud their efforts to avoid toxins and all of the other things we’re supposed to be afraid of, I can’t help but think my sole reaction upon finding out one of my kids had lice would be more like this:

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And that is probably the wrong reaction.

I probably do need to listen to the crunchy moms and avoid slathering my child in pesticides. My instinct to panic is just so strong. I can’t handle the idea of bugs living on me, no matter how common of a problem it is. Even writing about head lice right now is making my head itch. I might go into the bathroom when I’m done and obsessively check my scalp. Hell, I might preemptively just slather my head in olive oil and essential oils every night because why not?

I read a post once about places where they’ll comb the lice out of your kid’s hair for you. You bring your little lice magnet to a place that looks like a hair salon and they charge you a gazillion dollars an hour and do all of the dirty work for you. I’m not going to lie: I would totally do that. In fact, they should also consider starting a head lice home cleaning service to come over and take care of the bedding, stuffed animals, clothes, carpets, etc. Actually, they could just burn the house down and build us a new one. I will pay for that. Just don’t make me handle the lice on my own.

I know the odds are against me and that one or both of my kids is most likely going to come home with head lice someday. I know it logically, but emotionally I’m just not ready to deal with it. I’m not ready for the phone call from the school or having to pretend everything about what’s going on doesn’t repulse me. I’m not ready to deal with possibility of also getting lice myself from my own kid. I’m just not ready. I hope by the time it happens I’ve made enough money to just go on vacation to Hawaii that week and pay other people to deal with it because I cannot, you guys. I will not be able to handle it.

(Photo: Shutterstock)