8 Times Raising An Only Child Sucks

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sad parents with childThere are a lot of advantages to having an only child, and I am very vocal on this point. I get to keep more of my money and sleep for long periods of time, and when my child graduates high school, I will still have plenty of time and energy to get an epic lower back tattoo and make horrible decisions, something that would be hampered with the addition of a younger sibling.

Sometimes, though, I will see people with more than one child and a wave of jealousy will overtake me; watching the ease with which their children interact with one another and hearing the phrase, “go play with your brother/sister, honey, mommy’s talking”. For the most part, I love having a one-child household. But other times? It sucks really bad.

1. Slumber parties in which you are the main guest

My husband works late some nights, bringing the world ever more realistic video game worlds in which one can rip the head off of a Nazi zombie, which means my daughter and I have had many nights to ourselves. This is why she is almost eight and will still crawl into bed with me, elbowing me in the ovary and nose and stealing the good pillow. If she had a sibling I feel like they could just knee each other to death.

2. When they treat you like a roommate

The other week my daughter uttered the phrase, “Who ate the last chocolate? That’s messed up!” When I admitted it was me she became indignant. “Those were for everyone, mommy! If you’re going to finish something off you should at least get some more at the store.” We had to have a serious talk about who deserves the most chocolate here and about how she was not the boss of me.

3. On days when school is cancelled

Ughhhhh. Working from home is great until school is cancelled, and then it’s just you and this kid who needs food and mental stimulation and an incentive not to torture the dog too much.

4. When they lie about the number of siblings they have

My daughter told everyone she has a brother during the “getting to know you” phase at school. I’m guessing she did it to fit in, but it’s not gonna look less weird when I never show up with the phantom sibling.

5. When they’re booooored

They will end up watching T.V. or playing games or doing all that other stuff you swore you wouldn’t use as a crutch because you don’t have a sibling for them to watch after/play with/traumatize.

6. Summer vacation

All. Summer. Long. I almost rethought my entire stance on family size after this past summer from the depths of hell.

7. When they want a (very specific) sibling

For everyone who’s ever told me that I’m robbing my daughter of a much wanted sibling, you’re not far off. Too bad the sibling she wants is a seven-year-old carbon copy of herself to be besties with. I imagine she would be very disappointed if I brought a lump with a penis home.

8. Clothes shopping

I never owned a scrap of new clothing until I got to college. Everything before that was a free hand me down from my very popular and stylish older sister. It was amazing. With an only child there’s no sloppy seconds to draw from.

(Image: Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock)