Mama Love Junkie and Mothertougher: I Hate My Kid’s BFF’s Mom

Dear MT and MLJ,

 

My daughter has been BFFs with this one little girl in her preschool class since they started last fall. The mom and I got along for awhile, but then she totally sold me out when I confided in her about pretending to be sick to skip out on another classmate’s birthday party. Anyway, it pissed me off and I really can’t get over it.

I have been putting off playdates for months now, despite my daughter begging me to arrange one. The thing is, letting her play with her friend after school means that I have to hang out with the mother. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

So – what do I do? I feel like a shitty mom for depriving my daughter of her best bud, but how the heck am I supposed to remain civil for 3 hours with someone I really can’t stand?Yours,

Friend or Foe

Dear Foe,

She seriously told on you for feigning illness? Wow.

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, when Little Mothertougher #1 first went to preschool, he fell in like with a classmate. He was a shy little fellow, and I was thrilled when he asked to have a playdate with this girl. I approached said kid’s mom in the parking lot and tried to be cute and charming by making a comment about how Little Mothertougher #1 might be her future son-in-law. This mom then leaned down and said to my two-year-old, ”That’s fine, as long as you become a doctor or a lawyer or something respectable. No starving artist types,” with no hint of irony. And she full well knew that my husband and I were both (sometimes starving but mostly just a tiny bit hungry) artists.

 

I could have swallowed my pride and made nice with this woman, for the sake of my sweet son. I could have put on a fake smile and invited her over to my small, artsy, ramen-filled condo in the poor section of town, and ignored her transparent disapproval.

 

Instead, I deflected Little Mothertougher’s requests for playdates and encouraged him to make friends with other kids in the class who had less douchey parents.

 

Kids understand relationship dynamics better than we do. They don’t fake it. If they don’t like someone, they say it. We go around telling them to be nice, and that’s a good thing, as no one wants their kid growing up to be Regina George but if someone is mean or rude to them, that’s another story. I would never tell my child to make nice with some asshole kid who harasses or teases him. I’d tell him to stay out of the kid’s way, or tell the kid off, depending on the situation. Why should it be any different for us adults? If someone isn’t nice to you (and I’d say betraying your confidence qualifies as ”not being nice”) then you don’t need her in your life.

 

Unfortunately, in the preschool years, friendships can’t really develop without the help of the parents, and your daughter may not understand why she can’t have a playdate with her BFF. But you do have a few options here you could volunteer to watch both kids on your own (i.e., have Evil Mom drop her daughter at your house for an hour most moms, even the evil ones, will jump at the chance to do a few errands alone.) Or, you can encourage her to play with the friend at school, and make excuses every time she asks for a playdate. Or, if you’re really ballsy, be honest and tell her that you can’t stand her friend’s mom, so it makes getting together complicated. Tread carefully, though – this could easily blow up in your face, though, when your daughter announces to her preschool class that she can’t play with Susie because her mom is a raging beeyotch.

 

Remember, time is on your side: preschool relationships are fleeting, and often based on the relationships of parents. Try making plans with other nice people who have kids the same age. You know, like toddler matchmaking. Arranged marriages for the preschool set.

 

Just call me Yenta.

Truly,

Mothertougher

Dear Friend,

I get you. I do. There’s nothing worse than thinking you are in like Flynn with a preschool mama only to find out she sold you out to get more in with someone else. It’s really horrible, and reeks of fifth grade recess. In fact, just reading your question made the hair on the back of my neck stand up as if a group of girls just ditched me at the bus stop. Again.

Which is, in fact, my point.

 

Here’s my fear. My experience tells me that for some reason, when we mamas become mama friends, we sometimes revert back to the way groups of girls behaved in our youth, and it isn’t always pretty. There are cliques, and popular moms. Yoga pants have replaced Multiples (remember those?) and iced coffee has replaced the always-coveted chocolate milk. And this, well this is what I think is dangerous.

 

Ultimately, your job as a mama is to teach your daughter how to be a good human. If she came home saying that her friend said something to another kid that she thought was mean, what would you do? Tell her to stop talking to that little girl forever? Maybe, if the kid had said something inexcusable. But more likely you would tell her, with that little knowing, crinkled brow that you get on your face when you wish you could take all of the hurt away from your angel forever and replace it with only peace, you would tell her it would be a good idea to get to the bottom of it, try to work it out, because friends argue, but good friends make up.

 

So I suggest you make up with this woman who sold you out. Not because you need to be friends with her forever, but because you owe it to your daughter to model the behavior you hope she can emulate. If it turns out that the foe is unable to meet you half way, doesn’t see any problem with the way she behaved, or worse does it again well then you have tried and you can move on. And I think telling your daughter that story might be important too.

Sure, preschool relationships are only tiny blips on the long map of friendship. But they are the first blips, and it’d be nice if they were worth remembering.

Yours in love,

Mama Love Junkie

Have a dilemma you need advice for? send your questions to mamalovejunkie@gmail.com!