You Probably Hate Kids TV As Much As I Do Even If It Is ‘Educational’
Iâ€™m pretty positive the creators and writers of young children programs are high as a fucking kite. Whatever it is they are on, when they come up with episodes, I just want to say, â€œIâ€™d like some of that! How else am I going to get through these shows, without drugs?â€
My kitchen television, otherwise known as The Best Babysitter in the World, is always on the kidâ€™s channel, for my son Holt. So, mostly I spend my days trying to shake out of my head theme songs to children programs that are so fucking boring, annoying, or just plain weird, that I actually find myself pondering, â€œMaybe it wouldnâ€™t be the end of the world to try crack.â€
Fuck my life, I think, when certain shows are on. Why? Because the same shows are still on, almost a decade later, back when my daughter was watching these shows.
Iâ€™ve already been there, done that with my now ten year-old, but am now forced to watch these shows all over again, as a less patient, older mother, who feels like sheâ€™s in the movie Groundhog Day.
Dora the Explorer is still on, with her goddamn knapsack, or backpack, or whatever the hell it is, and sheâ€™s still trying to outsmart, â€œSwiper The Fox,â€ and asking us which is the triangle or toothbrush from her backpack. The voice of Dora has changed, but seriously nowâ€¦how long can this little shit go on adventures with her goddamn map for? Doesnâ€™t she get tired? (Now, I have â€œBackpack! Backpack!â€ in my head. ARGH!)Â At least with Dora, I can brush up on my Spanish.