If You Invite Me To Your Child’s Half Birthday Party I Will Laugh In Your Face

Well, I don’t know where I’ve been. Apparently, half birthday parties are a thing. This is dumb.

I’m sure kids love it – and that is probably the argument that most people use when justifying whether to inflict one of these events on the people they know. Yeah. No shit kids love it. My kid would be thrilled if every day of the year was a holiday where he received gifts. This is pretty much a no-brainer. My child is three and he is still saying Happy Holidays! in mid-January because I think he thinks if he keeps saying it the gifts will come.

As if there didn’t already exist enough days when we are expected to buy our kids a bunch of crap they don’t need. Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

“You know what we need? Another day when we are expected to shower our children with gifts, buy cakes and be crafty.” – Satan Herself

No. We don’t need this. Nobody needs this. If you want to do this, be dumb in your house with your dumb half of a cake – alone.

Why so much rage – you ask? It’s Pinterest’s fault – clearly. Look through the following images and tell me if you don’t want to punch something by the time you are done.


1. Stupid Half Cake

Pinterest/ Betty Crocker.com

What the? No. I can’t think of a worse travesty than discarding half a cake. Oh look – they used a candle to represent the “half” sign because there are no half candles in existence because half birthdays are stupid. 


2. Nonsense Card

Pinterest/ diymaven.com

Oh look – a nonsense card inviting you to my nonsense party. Don’t forget to bring a gift! How about a Barbie with all of the limbs torn off, in keeping with the “half” theme?


3. Narcissist Cake

Pinterest/ April Soudipour

This is definitely one of those people who celebrates their “birthday month.” Everyone knows one of these people. Newsflash – birthday’s aren’t that special, as evidenced by the fact that every, single person on the planet earth has one.


4. “This Is The Worst Idea, Ever” Cake

Pinterest/ Elyssa Cady

You know what this looks like? A good way to make a child cry.

5. 1/2 Birthday Onesie?

Pinterest/ Etsy

This child is gorgeous. But she’s not going to have any idea what a birthday is in six months when she has her actual REAL first birthday – and she sure as heck doesn’t know what it is now.


Oh, I Get It Now


Now this I understand.

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