8 Things You Do Not Want From Groupon For Valentine’s Day

There are two specific things that are going to happen by the time you finish reading this post:

  1. You will be cry-laughing, if we share the same sense of humor.
  2. You will also begin using #groupondildo inappropriately and may offend all your friends.

You’ve been warned. As I was browsing the interwebs for an innocent gift for my husband, I came across some of the craziest shiz that my eyes ever did see on the Groupon website. It all started with the many, many sex toys available for sale on Groupon (I had no idea!) and quickly escalated from there.

As any e-commerce website would do, Groupon is pushing Valentine’s Day hard. They are using vibrators and really strange love gifts as their leverage. If your Valentine has gotten you a delightful Valentine’s gift, that’s reason to celebrate. Unless your significant other went down the strange rabbit hole that is Groupon and bought you one of these DO NOT WANT love tokens:

1. Groupon Mystery Gift


This is the number one worst choice that I just can’t stop laughing about. I can only imagine some poor sucker thinking how great it would be to buy a MYSTERY gift for 90% off. Wouldn’t any Valentine be delighted? The mystery lady in the photo looks so happy and unsuspecting. She’ll never know what hit her.

2. Butt-Shaper Panties


Valentine, here’s a very thoughtful gift for your flat, lackluster ass.

3. Cherry Kegel Exercisers


This is a touching way to say that your lady hole is all kinds of stretchy after having kids.

4. Remote Control Vibrator


This is a not-so-subtle way to say: Valentine, I know you won’t be having the sexy sex on this holiday, so here’s the next best thing.

5. 10 Speed Vibrator


Not much to say here, except thank you #groupondildo or #grouponvibrator, whatever you prefer.

6. Multispeed Vibrator


Or maybe this more realistic looking #groupondildo will do the trick?

7. Shape of Style Body-Con Dress


When in doubt, always buy a Saved by the Bell dress worn by Kelly Kopowski.

8. Ovulation Predictor Watch


This may be a cool gift for many women, but it can also say: Hey, I know it’s our second date, but let’s make a baby.

(Image: Groupon)

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