being a mom

Taping A Pacifier To A Baby’s Face For Laughs Is Dumb, But Doesn’t Warrant A CPS Visit‏

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baby-sheaksThis is why we can’t have nice things, everyone. A grandmother was watching her granddaughter decided to be a hilarious social media ingenue by duct taping a pacifier to the kid’s mouth and then snapping a grainy photo of it to share around.

Jackie Sheaks, who is undoubtedly a comedic genius in her own mind, was surprised to find that instead of getting the backpats and guffaws she so clearly deserved, someone called the cops and Child Protective Services instead. Well, I never.

Let’s try and approach this as rationally as possible, shall we? According to Ohio’s 10TV, the baby is two months old and was posed both in a roasting pan nestled on a bed of potatoes, and with a pacifier secured to her face with two strips of duct tape.

“‘It started as just a joke; we put a little tape on the pacifier because we were being silly.  We wanted to share it with friends because everybody that knows us, knows we play around like that,’ Sheaks explains.”

It wasn’t long before someone called the cops and CPS to come investigate, which they did, though no charges have been filed as of yet. You can’t see me, but I’m rolling my eyes really, really hard right now.

First of all, Sheaks sounds like a laugh riot. She’s not one of those boring Gam-gams who will bake cookies and tat doilies, no. She is a cool Gam-gam; the one who will tape a fucking pacifier to your face just for giggles. Everyone knows she plays around like that.

If we’re being fair, did this really warrant a CPS and police call? I don’t think so. I mean, this woman is clearly not that smart and has never had to peel duct tape off of her face. I speak from collegiate experience when I say that straight up hurts like a mofo. But criminally stupid? Nah. In fact, I seem to recall that some other grandparents also took a picture of a baby in a roasting pan in the oven some time ago and a lot of people thought that was funny, so…

Which brings me back to why we can’t have nice things. I use social media for a lot of things. Work, keeping up with family, keeping an eye on that one guy whose life is so wracked by drama that it’s better than the telenovelas I watch during the day, all the usual stuff.

More and more, though, I see a lot of people that use social media as a kind of platform for prop comedy where their kids or grandkids are the props. It’s kind of gross and narcissistic and causes a sort of weird one-upmanship between parents. Who can be the funniest? The most charming? The most Pinterest-perfect?

It’s why sites like STFU, Parents are so popular, and it’s also why I don’t even like cute stuff like Dinovember any more. Can people truly do nothing that for or with their kids that they don’t publicize and circulate? No, because what’s the point of doing nice shit for your children if no one sees you doing it?

The mother of the child in these pictures has “no objection” to them at all, which means she’s probably about as rockin’ and laid back as Gammy Sheaks. That’s all fine and good, and it just goes to my point. If they had just kept the entire thing private, the grandmother’s comedy act wouldn’t have bombed so spectacularly and there wouldn’t be a CPS investigation.

(Image: Facebook)