The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide – Gwyneth’s Annual Tradition Of Making The Rest Of Us Feel Poor – Is Here!

It’s my favorite time of year, you guys – the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide is here! God, I wish this arrived at my doorstep so I could put some Target pajamas on, pour myself a glass of Two Buck Chuck, and rifle through it like the plebeian that I am.

This year, Gwyneth seems to have gotten hip to the fact that no one can afford any of the shit she recommends, so she reaches out to us Poors in her intro:

“We tried to keep as much as possible at the $100 mark, though there are some splurges on here for your nearest and dearest. Plus, a girl can always dream.”

Yes, Gwyneth. She can. Here are some of the things I’m dreaming about.

Gold Juicer, $4,739


Um, is that solid gold? Because that is the only thing that would justify that ridiculous price tag. Gwyneth’s own note is, “absurd, but awesome.” Gwyneth called this “absurd.” Gwyneth.

Travel Backgammon Set, $550



Why is this $550? Anyone?

Currency Case, $285



A currency case. Or as the rest of humanity calls it, “a wallet.” Or, a really expensive Metro Card holder. Or a small leather thing with zippers that costs almost three hundred dollars.

Travel Set, $100


This is a travel set. Intriguing, right? It’s advertised as “having everything the frequent traveller needs.” Guess what the frequent traveller needs? Seriously, just guess. I’ll wait…

Did you guess jumprope, a slick passport cover, and a woven belt? Of course you didn’t! But that’s what’s in here.

Valentino Canvas Trolley, $4,545


It looks like a suitcase, but it’s not, okay? Rich people call it a trolley. It’s a trolley. Gwyneth says, “Yeah right, but how cool is this?” It’s so cute that she’s pretending she doesn’t buy this obscenely expensive stuff on the regular. She’s really trying to be down.

Champagne Flute, $510


No, it’s not a set. It’s one flute. I’m just pissed now. I want this. Clearly I was born into the wrong social class. Gwyneth calls them “almost too stunning to use.”

Hermes Trading Cards, $125


Hermes card game with seven families and seven members in each family. The goal is to reconstruct your family by exchanging cards with your neighbors. The first person to reconstruct his or her family wins, silver- edged cards. Huh? Am I the only one confused by this? Gwyneth says, “Everyone is always excited to open a little orange box.” Unless these are in it.

Cape, $3,190


Gwyneth calls this “A totally chic wearable blanket.” “Wearable blanket” = nope. $3,000 wearable blanket = no fucking way.

If you haven’t been on the Saks Fifth Avenue site you really need to go. Their product shots are alive you guys.

(photo: Getty Images)

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