being a mom

No One Tells You Your Period Is A Billion Times Worse After You Have Kids

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Women go through a ton of crap when pregnant and after giving birth, so one of the post-pregnancy perks we often gush about is the lack of a period. Sure, you’re huge, sweating and can’t walk – but you don’t have your period! Yes, your boobs are leaking and you haven’t sleep in three months – but you don’t have your period! One of the hardest days as a mom is the day your period comes back. It’s like the day your free HBO runs out. You lived the dream for a short time, had a taste of the magic, and now reality is knocking on your door in the form of a disgusting, bloody mess.

But with all this celebratory period talk, one thing no one ever told me is how fucking horrible your periods are after having kids. So let me break it to those of you still basking in your period-free glory: THEY ARE THE WORSTESTEST. I’m talking bleeding through super-plus tampons every 3 hours, leaking in your underwear like your 13-years-old, panty-liners ain’t gonna stop this party, eat all the Advil, “Wait those aren’t contractions those are period cramps?!” horrible. FOR DAYS.

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Here’s what happens: a few days before my period I spot, like my body sending me an Evite to the party that’s about to happen. “Kate, you’re invited TO A LIVING NIGHTMARE RIPPING YOUR BODY APART! Dress code: Those sweat pants from college and your tears! Guests: 1.”

Then, I cry for 4-5 days. No joke, the last time I had my period I wept because I missed rain. Open, straight-up sobs over water that comes from the sky, and the lack of it here in Southern California.

Like a volcano, my body rumbles and quakes. I am taken over by a dull throbbing ache. Eventually I erupt, most often while I’m in the middle of buying all the ‘pons and a pound of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at Rite Aid.

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For days, my body is ravaged by the heaviest flow I’ve ever had. It is reminiscent of my nightmarish high school periods, when I would just give up and lay down on the cool floor in front of my locker because there was no point in bothering to exist. The cramps knock me on my ass, and I pound the surely-expired Naproxen sitting in my medicine cabinet. Then I curl up on my couch with a hot water bottle and some Wheat Thins and look at Outlander GIFs on my iPad until the nightmare is over.

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