Things My Children Will Find In My House When I Die

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One of the many heart-breaking tasks that most people have to do when their parents die is clean out their house. I have heard stories of it taking months and months to sort through everything. I’ve heard about people finding things from their childhood that they didn’t know their parents kept. I’ve never heard of someone coming across a secret sex dungeon, but I am living for that day.

My husband says that when his folks die he is just going to have to burn their house down. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure my mom has labelled all of her belongings with the name of the child it will go to. When we die, our kids are going to be somewhere in the middle. Maybe they will only need a small fire.

As they walk, weeping, around our house, my children are going to find the following things:

1. Broken toilets.

Via Giphy

We have three or four broken toilets in our garage. We are not hillbillies. I really don’t have a good explanation for it.

2. Pens.

Via Giphy

Pens are the thing that I always buy because I always think I need them and then I realize I have ten of them in my purse and three packages of pens from Costco. My children will never be without pen again.

3. Anywhere from one to five random bags of trash.


We always have just a little more than will fit in our can, so it backs up. We’re optimistic that we will get caught up before we die, however. On the plus side, this should be considered motivation to find our bodies before all the extra garbage starts to stink.

4. Piles of receipts.


My husband keeps his receipts. All of them. My kids will find them somewhere and say, “What are these? And why would anybody need to remember that they bought tank full of gas on this one day? Damn it, Dad!” I’m with you, future befuddled children.

5. Sex dungeon.


I’m kidding.

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