10 Times You Will Completely Fail At Childproofing

1. By not duct taping the DVD player to the TV stand.

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No toy in the world, it appears, could be more entertaining than flipping the cover to the DVD slot back and forth.

2. By not removing all the grass in the yard and replacing it with outdoor carpeting.

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On the bright side, I think the amount of grass my kids ate last summer cut back on how often the lawn had to be mowed.

3. By not taking away the kitchen chairs before they could be used as pushable bumper cars.

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Who needs a trip to the County Fair when you can gleefully mow down your brother in the comfort and convenience of your own home?

4. By not buying a new coffee table that is impervious to toddler assaults.

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The bad news: no one has yet invented such a piece of furniture.

5. By not painting the walls of your home in a clear shellac that could be easily wiped free of Fig Newton fingerprints.

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Maybe if I buy some other flavors of fruit cookie, I will be able to pass the big (formerly) white wall in the living room off as some sort of Pollock-esque mural.

6. By not shaving the dog bald to make her a less appealing target for a newly-toddling toddler to pull up on.

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She’s an indoor dog, I’m sure she won’t mind sporting a buzz-cut for the rest of the winter.

7. By not buying enough plastic drinking straws to have enough for your kids to play with and share.

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I personally bought a hundred drinking straws, but this is not yet enough for them to be able to share happily. I will let you know if I figure out how many straws is finally enough.

8. By not deciding to become Amish.

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As far as I can tell, this is the only way to ensure a toddler does not find a way to play with electric cords.

9. By not taking the batteries out of the remote control and hiding them.

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Fortunately both of my very thoughtful children have picked up my slack on this one. Unfortunately, the DVR is not voice-activated, and the latest Parks and Recreation episode is locked away from me until I can buy more double-A’s at Walgreen’s.

10. By not having your toes surgically removed.

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This has caused my toes to be stealthily chomped on more times than I could count on both hands (which is what I will have to count everything on once I do finally get around to having my toes removed).

(Image: Alexey Losevich/Shutterstock)

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