10 Times You Will Completely Fail At Childproofing
1. By not duct taping the DVD player to the TV stand.
No toy in the world, it appears, could be more entertaining than flipping the cover to the DVD slot back and forth.
2. By not removing all the grass in the yard and replacing it with outdoor carpeting.
On the bright side, I think the amount of grass my kids ate last summer cut back on how often the lawn had to be mowed.
3. By not taking away the kitchen chairs before they could be used as pushable bumper cars.
Who needs a trip to the County Fair when you can gleefully mow down your brother in the comfort and convenience of your own home?
4. By not buying a new coffee table that is impervious to toddler assaults.
The bad news: no one has yet invented such a piece of furniture.
5. By not painting the walls of your home in a clear shellac that could be easily wiped free of Fig Newton fingerprints.
Maybe if I buy some other flavors of fruit cookie, I will be able to pass the big (formerly) white wall in the living room off as some sort of Pollock-esque mural.