moms who drink

I’m Totally Lying To My Kids And Telling Them The Fireworks Have Been Cancelled

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shutterstock_63405547I love our country, I love ‘Mericuh, I’m totally patriotic and I hugely admire all the brave men and women who fight for our freedom but I swear if I have to go to the neighborhood Fourth of July celebration I will cry.

I can’t do it.

I can’t handle walking down to the park in this heat and humidity and arriving all sweaty and soggy with my makeup running and my feet sore from sandals. Yeah, I could drive, but parking for these types of events is worse than Ikea on a Saturday afternoon. I hate sitting outside, unless I’m in close proximity to air conditioning or a cute little table where I can order refreshing alcoholic beverages and stay for a limited amount of time. It’s utter bullshit that the city expects us to sit in a crowded area with screaming children and CLOWNS with no access to alcohol. You can’t even bring a cooler full of secret booze. What is the point of a celebration if you can’t face it even slightly lubricated to make the event more tolerable? Did I mention there will be clowns there?

I’m terrified of bugs since my mother called me the other day and told me some horror story about a woman and a mosquito bite and now I’m totally phobic about mosquitos. Yes, I know you can get bitten anywhere but the research I am doing in my mind tells me that chances are more likely that it could happen if you are sitting outside for hours and not surrounded by citronella candles like I have in my nice, safe, bug-free backyard.

Plus, we can basically see most of the fireworks from our own yard so why do I have to haul everyone down to the park to sit on old blankets with a bunch of strangers and eat creepy food truck food and NOT have sparklers? That’s right, you aren’t even allowed to bring sparklers.

I know my kids would enjoy it because there is a parade and CLOWNS and lots of kids to run around with but I’m totally telling them it’s cancelled and we can have our own party in our own pool with our own food and maybe I’ll even get all ambitious and make something fancy and patriotic off of Pinterest, like red and blue Jello shots. I can’t be the only parent who dreads the prospect of these sort of events and lies to their kids about them being cancelled. But feel free to either judge me or else tell me how you’ll be celebrating so I can steal your ideas for our own holiday fun!

(Photo: R. Gino Santa Maria/shutterstock)