Stop It Already With The Pinterest-Perfect First Birthday Smash Cakes

For my first child’s first birthday, I made a shitty little box cake at home for her to ”smash” and left the big cake to the professionals at Wegman’s bakery. By my second child’s first birthday, I felt that even that was unnecessary and just gave him a slice of the regular cake that I had ordered for the party. Just as adorbs and not at all expensive or a pain in the ass. I had decided it was super stupid to spend major coin (or a ton of my own time) on a cake solely for the purpose of tiny toddler fingers to mush it all up- that is a waste of perfectly good cake and makes my heart sad! Come on, ya’ll- the babies don’t deserve it!

In all seriousness, though. Can we please stop this annoying trend of giving a baby an elaborate first birthday smash cake? When we were kids, we just gave babies a slice of the regular cake and it was just as cute to watch them make a mess of it. Why are we sacrificing WHOLE ENTIRE BEAUTIFUL CAKES for this cause?! I mean, I KNOW why. We live in the age of Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Our lives and the lives of our offspring must appear carefully curated and perfectly gorgeous or else, why bother having kids, amirite? I have gathered photo evidence of this irritating phenomenon- so many perfect and professionally made (and presumably expensive) cakes destroyed by undiscriminating toddler hands, and I just can’t even. See below for the carnage and pour one out for all the cakes carelessly sacrificed for the sake of social media up-votes:

1. Tiffany Blue And She Doesn’t Even Get It

Look at this baby? Do you think she even understands the scene around her? Does she see that gorgeous piping along the edges? Nopity-nope. She just sees frosting to shove in her pie hole. TRAGIC.

2. He Knows This Cake Should Not Be His

Even this little baby understands that this cake should not be within his reach. It is far too beautiful to defile with gross, sticky baby fingers.

3. She Is Not Worthy

You can tell by the slightly ashamed look on her face that this baby completely gets it. She’s pleading with her eyes “share this cake with me- I do not deserve it’s splendor”. I mean, LOOK at those perfectly rendered icing flowers?!

4. Pearls AND A Perfect Cake?!

Not only does this baby have a cake she is unworthy of, she is also wearing her mother’s best pearls. This is so many shades of wrong.

5. My Wedding Cake Wasn’t This Beautiful

Only on a girl’s wedding day does she deserve a cake of this magnitude. I am beside myself with envy.

6. Such Decorum

Oh, Chloe. You are dressed in far too classy a manner with your diapey and best gigantic, poufy headband to be going face-first in this cake. Best to just pass along to Auntie Val instead.