The New ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Trailer Looks Like A PG Version Of ‘Secretary’

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I have a confession to make: I only read the sexy bits of Fifty Shades Of Grey. You can feel free to make fun of me for a) not reading this incredibly popular book in it’s entirety and therefore being woefully out of touch with the world, or b) reading this horrible book even a little bit and therefore being a crappy literature consuming sheep.

Either way, considering how obsessed with this book people are, I felt I had to at least read the sex bits and some of the prose surrounding the sex bits, which could not be avoided. I haven’t really been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the trailer, but I watched it this morning anyway because it has been all over my Facebook feed I felt the need to share it.

Good news for all of you fans of this particular piece of what has been rage-inducingly called “mommy porn” for the past few years: it looks like the movie is true to the book.

By this I of course mean that there is a whole lot of Anastasia being boring at Christian and Christian being boring right back at Anastasia. Sometimes they spice it up with the most boring looking BDSM-lite sex I’ve ever seen, and these scenes are interspersed with boring rich guy stuff, wherein Anastasia looks appropriately awestruck.

The piece de résistance, of course, is Christian Grey’s sex dungeon, which, and I never thought I would actually utter these words, is possibly the most boring sex dungeon ever.

I’ve seen people get kinkier with a sleep mask and a romance novel than the heaving sigh that you see here. Does this even count as kink?

Seriously. Go up and watch that trailer. Watch in wonder as he pulls out that gray silk blindfold and tightens those restraints. Are your loins quivering yet? No?

It might be because, no offense to Jamie Dornan-the actor who plays Christian Grey-has a face that appears to be much too tiny for his head, and it is therefore hard for me to get a ladyrection about his sexy sex dungeon skilz. Or maybe it’s because “dumpy” Anastasia, played by Dakota Johnson, seems to have confused “low self-esteem” with “has not washed hair in some time” and the whole thing makes you want a shower but not because you feel the good kind of dirty.

All in all, it looks like a much more high budget but way worse version of Secretary which is of course the ultimate in mousy girl meets man in power and has kinky sex with him erotica. I get that neither movie can be downright porny without getting slapped with an NC-17, but the latter managed to be way more naughty, somehow.

I’m not saying that you should watch Secretary instead, but you should probably watch Secretary instead.

(Image: eonline)