‘Fifty Shades’ Fail: Composite Sketch Of Christian Grey Is A ‘Mommy Porn’ Buzzkill
The fact that Fifty Shades of Grey has been dubbed “Mommy Porn” really pisses me off. Not because moms don’t like porn but rather because Fifty Shades is crappy and annoying. I mean, the writing is abysmal. And Ana Steele, the book’s female lead, isn’t exactly endearing (at least not to this 30-something mother of two).
Granted, some of my friends loved the book; it made them horny again and suddenly they’re having hot sex with their husbands after years of indifference. Others say it made them crave “kinky fuckery” alright, just not with their partners. (Ouch!) Then there are the weirdos like me: I thought Ana was in an emotionally abusive relationship and was fixated on that rather than the sex. (Pathetic, I know.)
But hey, at least we all agreed on one thing: It would be nice to have a man like Christian Grey worship us the way he did Ana. And most of us picture Christian Grey as being drop-dead gorgeous (author E.L. James kind of hits us over the head with that detail). So whether we call it “Mommy Porn” or not, the fact remains that women are devouring the Fifty Shades trilogy. Moms in particular are discussing it during drop-off and pickup, at the playground, in the grocery aisle.
As Hollywood execs argue over who to cast as Christian Grey in the movie version of the book (Ryan Gosling, Robert Pattison, Ian Somerhalder the list goes on), British scientist Faye Skelton has created a composite sketch of the famous character using the the same software police use to produce suspect sketches. And, let me tell you, it totally kills whatever Christian Grey fantasy you may have had goin’ on!
Simply put, this is not an attractive man (imagine an ugly Val Kilmer). Which is surprising, actually, since Skelton used descriptions from 12 women who have read the trilogy to come up with the sketch. According to CBS, the women described Grey as having Patrick Dempsey’s eyes and Brad Pitt’s jawline, along with features from other DILFs like Johnny Depp and David Beckham.
Way to ruin our fantasy, Skelton & Co! The book may have sucked but at least we could picture Christian Grey’s beautiful face in our minds; now we’ll be thinking of this random (ugly) dude. Fail.
(Photo: Examiner.com)