Childrearing

Seven Reasons Florida Is A Terrifying Place To Raise Kids

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There’s a reason people say things like, “Must be Florida,” when they hear really odd news stories. Crazy stuff happens here all the time.  Not quite sure what the explanation is, I just know that watching the evening news has become akin to watching a live version of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not – happening in my own backyard.

I moved here last year. I’ve lived in big cities my whole life, so it’s not like I’m not used to being exposed to odd things, people and experiences. Still – Florida takes the cake. It’s the perfect storm of racism, reptiles and just plain crazy.

 1. Sinkholes

Large Sink Hole Threatens To Swallow House In Southern Florida

As if figuring out when your kid can handle unsupervised play isn’t hard enough. Now you have to worry about him literally being swallowed by the earth under his feet. Sinkholes just happen here. Out of nowhere.

2. Alligators swimming in the streets.

Tom Bolack [Misc.]

What the hell? Have you seen Sharknado? It’s kind of like that, but not really and with alligators. Okay – it’s nothing like that, but alligators potentially wandering around the streets? Horrifying.

3. Giant pythons just showing up places.

Africian Rock Python

Oh, no big. It’s just an 18-foot python. This is the stuff of nightmares.

4. Florida Man

Florida Man

Florida Man

The “Florida Man” Twitter account is kind of entertaining – until you realize it’s filled with real news stories. Then it’s just terrible.

5. Racism

Political Map Of Florida

My husband has been “pulled over” while walking down the street 17 times since we moved here. That is a literal number, not an exaggeration.  I went to the drive-through bank window last week and the black security guard told me someone had called the cops on him the day before. Someone called the cops on a security guard at the bank. Jesus.

6. Stand Your Ground

Vigilantism in FloridaRacist vigilantes invoke this twisted law to kill kids. Some get away with it. Some sort of get away with it. I know people will remind me here that the law wasn’t invoked in trying either of these cases, but the mere existence of it still plays a huge role in the court of public opinion. It’s terrifying that any paranoid person with a gun can possibly get away with murder.

7. Pretty much everyone is armed.

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gilotyna4/ Shutterstock

I’m terrified of play dates, as I am pretty sure every household in this state has a gun in it. Not convinced that everyone knows how to safely store one.

Alligators, pythons, rampant racism, crazy people, sinkholes and a lot of guns. This was a poor decision on my part.

(photos: Getty Images)