Seven Reasons Florida Is A Terrifying Place To Raise Kids
There’s a reason people say things like, “Must be Florida,” when they hear really odd news stories. Crazy stuff happens here all the time. Not quite sure what the explanation is, I just know that watching the evening news has become akin to watching a live version of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not – happening in my own backyard.
I moved here last year. I’ve lived in big cities my whole life, so it’s not like I’m not used to being exposed to odd things, people and experiences. Still – Florida takes the cake. It’s the perfect storm of racism, reptiles and just plain crazy.
1. Sinkholes
As if figuring out when your kid can handle unsupervised play isn’t hard enough. Now you have to worry about him literally being swallowed by the earth under his feet. Sinkholes just happen here. Out of nowhere.
2. Alligators swimming in the streets.
What the hell? Have you seen Sharknado? It’s kind of like that, but not really and with alligators. Okay – it’s nothing like that, but alligators potentially wandering around the streets? Horrifying.
3. Giant pythons just showing up places.
Oh, no big. It’s just an 18-foot python. This is the stuff of nightmares.
4. Florida Man
The “Florida Man” Twitter account is kind of entertaining – until you realize it’s filled with real news stories. Then it’s just terrible.
5. Racism
My husband has been “pulled over” while walking down the street 17 times since we moved here. That is a literal number, not an exaggeration. I went to the drive-through bank window last week and the black security guard told me someone had called the cops on him the day before. Someone called the cops on a security guard at the bank. Jesus.
6. Stand Your Ground
7. Pretty much everyone is armed.


I’m terrified of play dates, as I am pretty sure every household in this state has a gun in it. Not convinced that everyone knows how to safely store one.
Alligators, pythons, rampant racism, crazy people, sinkholes and a lot of guns. This was a poor decision on my part.
(photos: Getty Images)