7 Facebook Messages No Parent Wants To Receive

It used to be the worst thing parents had to worry about was gossipy neighbors and running into that one mom you hate at the Piggly Wiggly, but times have changed. Now we have social media and very few ways to shield ourselves from being instantly accessible to the people we least want to hear from. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a Facebook message pop up on my phone and cringed, wondering how long I can ignore it before people start thinking I’m dead. It might not be pleasant, but it’s a part of modern life. Here are seven Facebook messages no parent wants to receive:

1. A note from a “concerned” friend.

The important thing here is that you resist the urge to punch your screen… because Susie Sanctimommy read somewhere that screen-punching has lasting effects on your unborn children. Deep breaths.

2. The ex-lover’s confession.

It’s a tempting offer, but — oh wait, no it’s not. Please fall off the earth.

3. The MLM party invite.

First rule of parenthood: anyone who invites you over for a ‘night of pampering’ is a lying liar who wants to cover you in nail stickers and sell you overpriced lube. Run. Run fast.

4. A catch-up chat with your high school nemesis.

You’re adults now and all those old wounds are healed, except actually they’re not and my God, doesn’t this woman have even one picture where she looks bad?

5. A invitation from a no-chemistry play date.

Sometimes you hit it off, and sometimes you end up hiding behind a display of diet soda every time you see them at the grocery store. You get it: they need a friend. Motherhood is a lonely place. It’s just that lonely looks pretty damn good in comparison to ever seeing this person again. Ever.

6. Friendly banter from your competitive mom friend.

She’d end up on STFU, Parents if she posted this on a public status update, but she’s far too stealthy for that. Instead, you get tormented in private. Did you know her 7-month-old has her first chess competition next week? Well, she does, and she’s using pieces she whittled herself in her mommy and me woodworking class.

7. Advice from your anti-science relatives.

Thank you for concern. I’ll remember to change my privacy settings so you can’t see my posts in the future. Good luck curing cancer with essential oils and hopscotch or whatever you’re into this week.

(Photo: Shutterstock)